My nose twitched an inch from the card that read ‘trainee gas fitter’. Something didn’t smell right and it probably wasn’t caused by a failed solenoid in a Greenstar boiler…
I was in my local job centre perusing the latest opportunities to barnacle myself to the great listing hull of British industry when I’d felt a greater presence standing to my side. There was also a new sense of urgency in the room, as if somebody amongst us found a sudden determination to change the world and to change it quickly.
I looked up and there he was: David Beckham.
Carbon-monoxide poisoning was my first thought. I was clearly hallucinating some filthy manifestation of my fear of telesales jobs but, as the other symptoms failed to develop, I began to realise that this was indeed the great man: six feet of contemporary culture, tanned by history, and his impeccable hair held in place by the Brylcreem of gilded fate. The only things out of place were the tears running down his cheeks and his Hollywood eyes red and puffy. As would any true Englishman, I felt compelled to act.
‘Pull yourself together, man!’ I snapped as I grabbed Beckham in a headlock and began to jostle some sense into him. ‘What are you? A metrosexual or a mouse?’
That seemed to calm him. He slipped his larynx from under my knuckle, gave one last sob, and then blew his nose into his Adidas handkerchief as he looked again towards the ‘Secretarial and Administration’ vacancies.
‘So,’ he said, his voice that clipped falsetto that women seem to find adorable. ‘This is what unemployment feels like, is it?’
‘What it feels like, son, is like a long waterslide into a fetid pool ruled over by spastic colons. But don’t let that stop you looking for work. Not until you’ve found something non-seasonal and at least minimum wage.’
With that, I took my newspaper and I sat down on the Department of Work and Pensions seats with their green scotchgard covers that bring the rashes out on your thighs. From there I watched as David began to scribble job titles onto the small patch of skin on his left hand that wasn’t already inked with religious tableaus and I began to wonder what was might be in store for the poor lad.
Beckham has chosen a bad time to re-enter the jobs market. There were 15,000 more of us looking for work just last week, taking the total to 2.52 million. Only now it’s 2.52 million plus a significant number 7 and I found myself wondering what David Beckham can do now that he no longer pretends to play football for a living.
Luckily, having now observed his job hunt at close hand, I’m delighted to report that there were suitable jobs catching his eye. Perhaps smirking Osborne is right and that is the smell of economic upturn in the air. If a man with Beckham’s limited qualifications and non-transferable skills can find a job, there may be hope for the rest of us. It might pay us just to consider his chances…
1. Boots Perfume-Counter Assistant
The poor lad is certainly ambitious but, if he’s going to start anywhere, I suppose he might as well start at the top. Competition is snarling down among the lip gloss and eyeliner booths and Beckham will have to fight like a self-tanned hellcat to get his chance and keep it. Some of those girls are Cherry Sunshine Red in both tooth and claw and they only take prisoners to experiment later with the cheap mascara. It’s deviant work on the shop floor and you need the eyeballs of a beaked whale to withstand the pressure of all the perfume in the air but Beckham knows his moisturisers and his chances of putting the ball in the net are definitely a good 8 out of 10.
2. Puffin Census Counter
Sticking your hand into the nest of a razor-billed herring addict might sound like tough work but Beckham at least has the arms for it. Imagine you’re a puffin and an elaborately tattooed scene from Ovid suddenly descends into your nest. Faced by a tattoo of Cupid carrying Psyche up to heaven, the average puffin is likely to forget to peck and reach for the nearest edition of Brewers Phrase & Fable. 7/10
3. Spice Girl
There’s enough nepotism in the world but if Victoria’s heart isn’t into it and the others are keen to keep the Spice brand going, then what better compromise than have David take over the reins as Posh? Actually, this makes a great deal of sense. He’s sportier than Sporty, looks younger than Baby, has gone into tackles with more malicious intent that Scary, and he’d probably carry off the ginger locks better than Busty Spice. 4/10
4. UK Ambassador to Hollywood
With property in the area actually larger than the Embassies to most nations, Beckham would fit right into the social scene and now that he won’t have as much use for his gym, he’ll have plenty of space to run MI6 agents from his basement. His friendship with Tom Cruise will also pay dividends, especially if he can get access to that Mission Impossible hardware. 2/10
5. UKIP Councillor
I noticed that his eyes lingered a little longer over this vacancy. I attribute that to the red, white and blue font the UKIP recruiters used. One of the most astute political operators in the game, David has never expressed a political opinion in his life which means that he’s the stuff of dreams for Nigel Farage. A possible poster boy for UKIP, Beckham looks good in pinstripes, proudly wears his patriotism on his sleeve tattoo, and it’s hard not to laugh whenever he opens his mouth. 5/10
6. Swivel-Eyed Loon
It might sound a little too close to the previous job but this one comes with the added advantage of actually influencing Conservative government thinking. David has enjoyed having the ears of Prime Ministers and Presidents for decades so he seems aptly suited to this important role, if only he can finally find something useful to say in the ears of Prime Ministers and Presidents other than explaining how to do the Cruyff turn. 7/10
7. Minister for Education
Gove’s days are numbered so why not get somebody in there that teachers and pupils might actually listen to? Beckham as Minister for Education would bring proper emphasis to physical education, improving the current two hours of sport a week to a much healthier twenty two with extra classes after school to practice free kicks and penalties. There’d also be no foolish gaffes about using the Mr Men to teach about World War 2 when Beckham’s in office. Not until Victoria has finished with the books so he can finally get a chance to see what all the fuss is about. 2/10
8. Spokesman for Google
Beckham became quite animated at the prospect of putting all his training to some use. He can finally become the spokesperson for a global brand with a reputation for doing evil. He’s worked for Boris and Seb Coe, so this should be like a walk in the Olympic park but without all the derelict buildings. 5/10
9. Prince of Wales
I hate to throw a Republican note in here but isn’t it about time we upgraded the current royal family? The Beckhams are the Charles and Camilla of the Now Generation: generally ill-informed about most things, never happier than when they’re shaking hands and grinning, and happy to do it all for the knockdown price of ten million a year. I personally think it’s a bargain but I suppose there are some who will complain that we could get Chris and Gwyneth for that kind of money. 1/10
10. National Lottery Compere
We’re finally in dream job territory with this one. The BBC has been careful to appoint no full time host for the Saturday night numbers. Now we know why. David has the looks, he has the ability to read from an autocue for up to twenty seconds at a time, and then there’s that big red button he can press whilst beaming his life-affirming smile in the living rooms of the nation. He was born to make us millionaires. The chances of him bending one into the top corner: 9/10.
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