Congratulations Kim and Kayne!

I don’t want to sound like I go around trying to remain deliberately uninformed about these things but I really don’t know much about either Kim Kardashian or Kanye West (right). I saw on the IMDB that they’re getting married but beyond recognising their names from this kind of tangentially-glanced news report, I don’t actually know what they do or why they are famous. Okay, perhaps in some dark recess of my mind a Gollum voice whispers something about Kayne West being a musician but I couldn’t hum you one of his tunes if it were the only thing that could please a firing squad. Of course, I could head over to Wikipedia and do some research but that’s going to take some effort. Yet I’d still like to say something on the occasion of this happy announcement...

Kim Kardashian is allergic to button mushrooms and Kayne West has the elvish word for ‘giant lizard’ tattooed on his right thigh. Kim follows the Shinto religion whilst Kayne owns the largest periwinkle farm in the United States. They decided to get married after watching an episode of ‘Antiques Roadshow’ and they realised they shared a passion for Dutch cuckoo clocks. Kayne dropped to one knee (his bionic one) and grabbed Kim by her left foot which he proceeded to kiss whist chewing licquorice. When he was done, he’d spelled the words ‘Marry me, Kim’ in liquorice kisses all the way up to her ankle. She said 'yes' by blowing a large pink bubble of gum which she cunningly fashioned into a large tick which she held above his head whilst making affirmative 'ping’ noises. Kayne thought it the most romantic thing he’d ever seen since episode 183 of Doctor Who, 'The Lazarus Experiment', when David Tenent accidentally married a pan-dimensional tentacle voiced by Thelma Barlow, aka Mavis from Coronation Street, who Kim and Kayne have subsequently invited to their Who-themed wedding where she’ll be expected to stand menacing next to a wax Tom Baker played convincingly by the real Tom Baker.

Unlike other celebrity marriages which last no more than five years, Kim and Kayne believe that their marriage will endure and, according to Shinto law, they have professed as much to a ritual otter priest. Kim now intends to devote her time to preparing for the wedding which will be held at the same Appalachian yogurt plantation where Kim and Kayne first discovered their intolerance for dairy products. Meanwhile, Kim also intends to pursue her new career writing best-selling tech novels, filling the void she believes exists in the marketplace after the sad passing of Tom Clancy from whom she bought her first gold-plated armoured personnel carrier in 2004. Kayne meanwhile returns to his roots with a techno-trance hip-hop album of cover tracks inspired by Yiddish folk music and the world ‘palimpsest’.

Invites to the wedding will be going out in the next few days, tattooed onto the bottoms of specially trained wedding gibbons. I look forward to hearing the gibbon knocking at my door and I’ll definitely accept with my overly ripe banana of matrimonial happiness.

In the meantime, I wish both Kim and Kayne well, whoever the hell they are...