Monday, 23 May 2011


Dear Internet,

It’s been too long since I last wrote. How are you? Keeping well? How’s the family? I’m sorry I’ve not been in touch. I’ve been very busy finishing my next book, now over 90% complete though delayed last week as I prepared for the Rapture. I’m pretty sure you were as excited as I was about the prospect of hearing Gabriel’s Trumpet. They say he’s been having lessons from Roy Castle. However, I will admit that I was disappointed when Judgement Day didn’t arrive. It’s not that I really wanted the world to end but I don’t like being lied to. I mean: if you can’t trust Christians, who can you trust?

Yet I suppose life’s grim duty must carry on. It was brightened somewhat by the news that the royal couple are back from honeymoon. It’s been a long fortnight since I’ve felt safe sculling in the rip tides off Anglesey and I’ve also been waiting to see some more of Kate’s legs. Pippa, frankly, doesn’t do it for me and I haven’t been able to get my mind off Schwarzenegger’s flooze, pictures of whom leave me feeling a frisky as the Frenchman who confused the IMF with IVF, both of which seem to involve injecting liquidity into an unwilling market.

Apparently, many French people believe that Strauss-Kahn’s alleged crimes are no big deal, which baffles me but perhaps explains the shoddy service in French hotels where you can’t even order a hot indecent assault in your room after eight o’clock at night. I also fail to see Strauss-Kahn’s motivation. Was he really that sex starved or did he just need a reason to take out a superinjunction? It seems that if you want to be talked about these days you must take out a legally watertight injunction demanding that people don’t talk about you. Either that or take a bullet put through your eye.

Speaking of bullets-through-the-eye-being-surprising-debilitating: purely for the reason that I’ve only just worked out how to draw him, I’m still disappointed that Osama Bin Laden remains dead. It also explains why I was looking forward to the Rapture when the dead would again walk the earth and be valid targets for satire. However, I’m turning my negativity to better ends and I’m now learning how to draw Castro, Gadhafi, and Jim Jong Il. I’m also writing lots of material about David Cameron’s Big Society, which I’m sure we’ll still be talking about in ten years’ time…

Right. I shouldn’t waffle about like this any longer. I have work to do. I hope to be around some more this week but it depends on which way my brain goes and which way the jet stream blows in from Iceland. In the meantime, have a very hastily doodled cartoon about volcanoes.

[singlepic id=120 w=600 h=450 float=center]

1 comment:

  1. Am sure you have a cartoon somewhere in you about a footballer and a big brother contestant.

    But thanks for making me laugh on a dull day :)