Monday, 28 March 2011

Alliance Deny They Are Aiding Rebel Army

[singlepic id=43 w=600 h=450 float=center]

A very quick and rushed cartoon as I’m having one of those days when everything conspires to get between me and my desk...

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Violence Breaks Out In Sky News Studio

Tim Marshall beats Adam Boulton with the Skystrator

The Hilarious Budget-Day Cartoon

[singlepic id=33 w=600 h=450 float=center]


Here you go. I admit I’ll be the only person who finds this cartoon funny. But that’s just the nature of this blog. Sometimes I draw cartoons with which I intend to amuse you. Sometimes I post things that I know only tickle me. And I accept: unless you’re as hopeless in life as Yours Truly, you probably didn’t spent this beautiful spring afternoon sitting watching George Osborne rattle off economic figures so you could depict it in humorous terms later in the day. A one penny cut in fuel tax doesn’t excite me in the least. I don’t own a car and have no plans to invade an oil-rich Middle Eastern nation in the next year, though I am thinking of taking Saudi Arabia by force but not until 2014.

So, there you have it: the cartoon which only I find funny.

But don’t go away thinking this has been a pointless exercise. There is an important lesson in all of this. Work hard at school and get yourself a good job in the private sector, possibly involving spread-sheets and a young secretary whose very existence excites you every time she bends over to take out the Standish  accounts from the bottom of the filing cabinet… You won’t thank me now but you’ll certainly thank me later, or, at least, you will once you have settled with the young secretary out of court regarding her sexual harassment case which she now agrees was an innocent misunderstanding about the tendency of Ryvita crumbs to gather in your crotch of your pants.

Is The New Angry Birds Too Difficult?

[singlepic id=32 w=600 h=450 float=center]

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Tesco Self-Service

[singlepic id=10 w=600 h=450 float=center]

So you arrive at the checkout, your basket criminally heavy due to their latest milk promotion encouraging you to purchase it by the udder, and as much as you want to go and join the queue to be served by staff, there’s always that insistent little woman, flushed red with the excitement of her recent promotion which allows her to wear a sleeveless fleece in warm weather, who ushers you into the self-service. Begrudgingly, you elbow your way through the crowd to the one free slot, only, when you get there, you discover that there are no plastic bags left, thereby denying you the privilege of loading three yogurts into a bag before seeing it split and your Strawberry probiotics going spinning across the floor. So you have squeeze back through the crowd of other unfortunate punters who’ve been encouraged into this futile course of action and try to find a free terminal.

Only there’s a pram in the way. And in the way of the pram is a large-arsed woman with ‘Steve’ tattooed on her upper arm who’s currently screaming at her child who has defecated in his nappy and seems intent on having it weighed-in as fruit and veg. Yet you manage to squeeze past, forced into looking at her pendulous free-swinging paps as she bends to change the nappy, and make it to the self-service station only to discover that the terminal is in lock down and requires staff to unlock it. So back you go, squeezing past the heavy nappy and Steve’s girlfriend’s swinging paps and decide to incur the wrath of the little red-faced fleece-wearing woman by joining one of the serviced checkouts.

And there you can finally relax as you enjoy being served by some pasty gent with lank hair who can’t look you in the eye or exchange small talk because he’s clearly haunted by some demons, hates your very existence, and is planning to remember this day when he finally snaps and runs amok and naked up and down the high street attacking people with his illegally imported AK47.

They say every little helps but that’s only because they’ll be buggered if they’ll give you anything more...

Uncle Balls And His Best Friend Ed

[singlepic id=9 w=600 h=450 float=none]


Monday, 14 March 2011

When People Buy An iPad...

[singlepic id=8 w=600 h=450 float=none]

Outrage As Harry Potter Star Poses Naked For Women's Magazine (NSFW)

[singlepic id=1 w=700 h=481 float=center]

Harry Potter star, Dobby (2’ 3”) revealed a different side to his nature as he relaxed in the shower for our photographer recently. ‘People think of me as the uptight house elf,’ he confessed as he lathered himself for the cameras. ‘But the truth is that I’m a free-living bachelor who likes nothing more than bringing a lady fan back to my penthouse apartment and introducing her to my wide range of aromatic oils and body rubs.’

He confessed that work has been hard to come by since he finished filming the last Harry Potter but he admits that is looking forward to working in independent films. ‘I’ve had the blockbuster experience,’ he said, ‘but I now seek more of a challenge. I’d love to work for a filmmaker like Lars Von Trier, perhaps going back to my North European roots by frolicking naked with a badger and a couple of hedgehogs.’

Asked if he’d be happy to pose naked on film, Dobby remains open-minded. ‘I’m not ashamed of my body and if the role called for it, I’d be happy to appear nude. However, I don’t agree with gratuitous nudity just for the sake of it. I think that actors sometimes forget that they are role models and should behave accordingly.’

Out of the shower, Dobby later posed for another 187 hot and explicit photos, the best of which, including those of him wearing his notorious ice clogs, you can see in our picture exclusive. Asked if he wanted to send a message out to our readers, Dobby said: ‘remember to be true to yourself and compromise your beliefs for short-term monetary gain.’