The Wrong Sort of Visitors

The reality of blogging is this: I spend about four hours carefully crafting a 1500 word article about the Nigella Lawson / Charles Saatchi story, finding my argument subtle and therefore difficult one to write. I link it in to different articles and news stories and eventually speculate that stereotypical attitudes towards domestic violence might actually distract us from understanding the everyday realities of violence in the world…

I enjoyed writing it and I post it hoping that somebody somewhere would enjoy reading it.

Then I discover that, in Canada, I’m rated the Number 1 on Google for the term ‘3D porn blog’.

I sometimes think it’s blogging that deepens my scepticism about human nature, except, perhaps I’m partly to blame. If I hadn’t taken the time to produce facetious posts about 3D porn, I wouldn’t be getting so many Canadians looking for 3D porn on this blog. And that’s the sad part of this notoriety: I can’t do anything with it. In fact, I’m probably exacerbating the problem every time I write ‘3d porn blog’.

I obviously don’t care about statistics that I want lots of visitors coming to this blog who think they’re actually going to get 3D porn. I want intelligent, humorous, good looking readers who are susceptible to flattery. I want readers (possibly Canadian, it doesn't really matter) who enjoy off the wall cartoons drawn by a man who is trying his best to hold it together despite his occasional need to rant. I want people who will come back even if I, one day, I write a long boring article or a crazy review of a comedian they’ve probably not heard about, complete with strange comic strip. Above all, I want readers who will stick by me despite the bad days.

If you’re here in your underwear with your 3D glass already strapped to your head, then I really don’t need you… Unless, of course, you’re also a regular who also fulfills the above requirements. In which case, you can stay. Just put on some trousers first.

Random Thoughts - The Uncensored Parts

Okay, I ballsed this up. I originally wrote the piece called 'Random Thoughts' and included these two addition thoughts which I decided to delete before I posed the article. However, stupidly, I forgot that I'd already set the article to post itself. Hence, there are two posts called 'Random thoughts'. These two additional thoughts were just me being self-pitiful, and I apologise that they were published. It's true that I'm getting a little jaded by the web but this has been true for a very long time. I probably don't mean half of what I say here but I'll keep them to show that I can be a monumental prat.

• I’ve decided to stop leaving comments on other people’s blogs. Not out of any personal malice on my part but it’s bad enough leaving comments on a blog and it going completely ignored by the blog owner who can’t even be bothered to say, ‘Thanks for the comment.’ But, on four or five occasions now, I’ve written comments that the blogger just hasn’t bothered to publish. And they weren’t short comments. They were lengthy but positive comments that had taken time and effort to write. I’m not sure why this happens. I guess you can’t peer into another person’s heart and figure out their motives. Whatever their reason, they’ve accomplished one goal. They have one less reader and there’s now more cynicism in the world.

• On the subject of cynicism and comments, I’m also considering closing the comments on this blog. It’s becoming evident that few people ever wants to leave any feedback and the only comments that do arrive tend to be SPAM. Again, I find that my general faith in the world increases. Other than my Frank Lampard post which is very popular in Nigeria, most of my traffic comes from people looking for 'Warrington Prostitutes' or '3D Porn'. And here I was thinking there might be some intelligent beings on the other end of this blog; scientific types, studying DNA or the universe, who might enjoy what I do. I’m beginning to think my audience consists of penis stranglers clutching their Nintendo 3DS in the vague hope they’ll find something fleshy and peaked popping out of this blog to satisfy their sick bastard urges. Thoughts like that are the stuff of dark dreams that usually end up with me  closing the blog entirely and focussing my efforts elsewhere… I don't feel that bad yet but some days this whole enterprise feels very wasteful.

To The Person Searching For 3D Pornography

To one strange yet rather pitiful pervert who visited the blog yesterday…

I’ve just read through my web statistics so I’m only just catching up on what’s new and depraved in the world of online freak sex but you were definately the first wrist athlete to view this blog on a Nintendo device looking for ‘3d pornography for the 3DS’!

Don’t think I’m not disappointed that I couldn’t provide you some. Damn! Nothing gives me greater pleasure than knowing that somebody is visiting my blog for the purposes of self-abuse but this 3DS porn development flew Dambusters-low under my radar. Wouldn’t you think that this is the sort of thing that Nintendo would include in their publicity?

So, just for you, I’m today launching my own range of 3D pornography viewable on suitable devices. Viewed on a 3DS, the following picture will pop out of the screen in its erotic glory. Hey, have fun! Go crazy until your knuckles turn blue. I’m not going to look… Sheesh!