And join us later as we'll continue celebrating International Silvio Berlusconi Day...
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
Tesco Self-Service
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So you arrive at the checkout, your basket criminally heavy due to their latest milk promotion encouraging you to purchase it by the udder, and as much as you want to go and join the queue to be served by staff, there’s always that insistent little woman, flushed red with the excitement of her recent promotion which allows her to wear a sleeveless fleece in warm weather, who ushers you into the self-service. Begrudgingly, you elbow your way through the crowd to the one free slot, only, when you get there, you discover that there are no plastic bags left, thereby denying you the privilege of loading three yogurts into a bag before seeing it split and your Strawberry probiotics going spinning across the floor. So you have squeeze back through the crowd of other unfortunate punters who’ve been encouraged into this futile course of action and try to find a free terminal.
Only there’s a pram in the way. And in the way of the pram is a large-arsed woman with ‘Steve’ tattooed on her upper arm who’s currently screaming at her child who has defecated in his nappy and seems intent on having it weighed-in as fruit and veg. Yet you manage to squeeze past, forced into looking at her pendulous free-swinging paps as she bends to change the nappy, and make it to the self-service station only to discover that the terminal is in lock down and requires staff to unlock it. So back you go, squeezing past the heavy nappy and Steve’s girlfriend’s swinging paps and decide to incur the wrath of the little red-faced fleece-wearing woman by joining one of the serviced checkouts.
And there you can finally relax as you enjoy being served by some pasty gent with lank hair who can’t look you in the eye or exchange small talk because he’s clearly haunted by some demons, hates your very existence, and is planning to remember this day when he finally snaps and runs amok and naked up and down the high street attacking people with his illegally imported AK47.
They say every little helps but that’s only because they’ll be buggered if they’ll give you anything more...
So you arrive at the checkout, your basket criminally heavy due to their latest milk promotion encouraging you to purchase it by the udder, and as much as you want to go and join the queue to be served by staff, there’s always that insistent little woman, flushed red with the excitement of her recent promotion which allows her to wear a sleeveless fleece in warm weather, who ushers you into the self-service. Begrudgingly, you elbow your way through the crowd to the one free slot, only, when you get there, you discover that there are no plastic bags left, thereby denying you the privilege of loading three yogurts into a bag before seeing it split and your Strawberry probiotics going spinning across the floor. So you have squeeze back through the crowd of other unfortunate punters who’ve been encouraged into this futile course of action and try to find a free terminal.
Only there’s a pram in the way. And in the way of the pram is a large-arsed woman with ‘Steve’ tattooed on her upper arm who’s currently screaming at her child who has defecated in his nappy and seems intent on having it weighed-in as fruit and veg. Yet you manage to squeeze past, forced into looking at her pendulous free-swinging paps as she bends to change the nappy, and make it to the self-service station only to discover that the terminal is in lock down and requires staff to unlock it. So back you go, squeezing past the heavy nappy and Steve’s girlfriend’s swinging paps and decide to incur the wrath of the little red-faced fleece-wearing woman by joining one of the serviced checkouts.
And there you can finally relax as you enjoy being served by some pasty gent with lank hair who can’t look you in the eye or exchange small talk because he’s clearly haunted by some demons, hates your very existence, and is planning to remember this day when he finally snaps and runs amok and naked up and down the high street attacking people with his illegally imported AK47.
They say every little helps but that’s only because they’ll be buggered if they’ll give you anything more...
Monday, 14 March 2011
Outrage As Harry Potter Star Poses Naked For Women's Magazine (NSFW)
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Harry Potter star, Dobby (2’ 3”) revealed a different side to his nature as he relaxed in the shower for our photographer recently. ‘People think of me as the uptight house elf,’ he confessed as he lathered himself for the cameras. ‘But the truth is that I’m a free-living bachelor who likes nothing more than bringing a lady fan back to my penthouse apartment and introducing her to my wide range of aromatic oils and body rubs.’
He confessed that work has been hard to come by since he finished filming the last Harry Potter but he admits that is looking forward to working in independent films. ‘I’ve had the blockbuster experience,’ he said, ‘but I now seek more of a challenge. I’d love to work for a filmmaker like Lars Von Trier, perhaps going back to my North European roots by frolicking naked with a badger and a couple of hedgehogs.’
Asked if he’d be happy to pose naked on film, Dobby remains open-minded. ‘I’m not ashamed of my body and if the role called for it, I’d be happy to appear nude. However, I don’t agree with gratuitous nudity just for the sake of it. I think that actors sometimes forget that they are role models and should behave accordingly.’
Out of the shower, Dobby later posed for another 187 hot and explicit photos, the best of which, including those of him wearing his notorious ice clogs, you can see in our picture exclusive. Asked if he wanted to send a message out to our readers, Dobby said: ‘remember to be true to yourself and compromise your beliefs for short-term monetary gain.’
Harry Potter star, Dobby (2’ 3”) revealed a different side to his nature as he relaxed in the shower for our photographer recently. ‘People think of me as the uptight house elf,’ he confessed as he lathered himself for the cameras. ‘But the truth is that I’m a free-living bachelor who likes nothing more than bringing a lady fan back to my penthouse apartment and introducing her to my wide range of aromatic oils and body rubs.’
He confessed that work has been hard to come by since he finished filming the last Harry Potter but he admits that is looking forward to working in independent films. ‘I’ve had the blockbuster experience,’ he said, ‘but I now seek more of a challenge. I’d love to work for a filmmaker like Lars Von Trier, perhaps going back to my North European roots by frolicking naked with a badger and a couple of hedgehogs.’
Asked if he’d be happy to pose naked on film, Dobby remains open-minded. ‘I’m not ashamed of my body and if the role called for it, I’d be happy to appear nude. However, I don’t agree with gratuitous nudity just for the sake of it. I think that actors sometimes forget that they are role models and should behave accordingly.’
Out of the shower, Dobby later posed for another 187 hot and explicit photos, the best of which, including those of him wearing his notorious ice clogs, you can see in our picture exclusive. Asked if he wanted to send a message out to our readers, Dobby said: ‘remember to be true to yourself and compromise your beliefs for short-term monetary gain.’
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Saturday, 12 March 2011
Jack Vettriano Gives Backing To SNP Leader Alex Salmond
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Friday, 11 March 2011
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Prince Andrew Talks Up British Industry
[Now updated to my 2015 style.]
The previous cartoon was drawn when I was just starting out as a cartoonist. I hope the new version is better.
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
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