Friday, 8 April 2011

Man With Three Voice Boxes Earns Promotion

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In any normal walk of life, the misfortune of being born with three voice boxes would be considered a disadvantage.

‘You would think that. You might think that. That’s something you might consider,’ says Gary Neville, an unemployed 36-year-old from Manchester, who has bravely overcome his disability to be awarded the lucrative job of Sky Sports' annoying pundit, a position recently vacated by Andy Gray.

After years of therapy, Gary has learned to overcome his problems by training each of his voice boxes to say the same thing but in a slightly different way. He finds it a boon when commentating on matches.

‘Sir Alex always said you had to keep going,’ said Gary as he put pen to paper on the five year deal at twelve o’clock today. ‘Sir Alex never let us give up. Sir Alex said you had to keep playing until you hear the final whistle.’

Yet as disability groups celebrate Gary’s success, there have been some who cast doubt on the appointment.

‘Three voice boxes might be an advantage,’ said an anonymous source inside Sky, ‘but not one of them can say a decent thing about Liverpool.’

When this was put to him, Neville responded with remarkable candour. ‘Sir Alex said that you should always respect the opposition. Respect the opposition, that’s what Sir Alex always used to say. At the end of the day, you have to beat the team on the field especially when they’re a team like Liverpool.’

Sky are delighted in their new acquisition and have dismissed concerns that some viewers might be annoyed by Neville’s habit of rephrasing whatever he’s said another two times.

In unrelated news, Sky have announced that subscribers taking their HD service have dropped significantly over the last two months, with the biggest fall seen around noon today. Sky also admit that viewers using their 3D service might find that they experience more nausea in the coming months. They say this is normal and there is no need to report faulty equipment but paper bags will be going out with this month's Sky viewer's magazine.


  1. Some days it feels like I'm doing dedications. 'This one goes out to the Zebra.'

    Thanks, though terrible news. But the silver lining is he might make Redknapp appear bearable. Of course, I think it's Sky's clever ploy to make us demand Andy Gray back.

  2. I think you might be on to something there.

  3. Thanks Lure. Coming from a real artist, I take that as a mighty fine compliment.