Thursday, 21 April 2011
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
What Difference Would The Alternative Vote Make To UK Politics?
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Monday, 18 April 2011
Friday, 15 April 2011
Margate’s New Gallery Celebrates Opening With Tracey Emin Goose Installation
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Margate’s new £17.5 million gallery of contemporary art was opened today by artist Tracy Emin who provided the gallery with its newest installation as she strangled a live goose on the steps. Watched by civic dignitaries, Emin explained how the goose’s struggle was symbolic of the creative act of getting up in the afternoon, scratching yourself, randomly doing something, and then presenting the result to a gallery for a nice slice of Art Council funding. The goose will now be attached to a fifteen metre rubber hosepipe and installed the main hall where visitors will be encouraged to play it like a bugle.
‘This is going to be on the country’s best galleries so I was delighted to be on hand to strangle this goose and to turn it into a rubberised bugle,’ said Emin.
Animal rights campaigners did not mar the event after being assured that it was only a metaphorical goose strangulation being used for the purposes of lowbrow satire.
Margate’s new £17.5 million gallery of contemporary art was opened today by artist Tracy Emin who provided the gallery with its newest installation as she strangled a live goose on the steps. Watched by civic dignitaries, Emin explained how the goose’s struggle was symbolic of the creative act of getting up in the afternoon, scratching yourself, randomly doing something, and then presenting the result to a gallery for a nice slice of Art Council funding. The goose will now be attached to a fifteen metre rubber hosepipe and installed the main hall where visitors will be encouraged to play it like a bugle.
‘This is going to be on the country’s best galleries so I was delighted to be on hand to strangle this goose and to turn it into a rubberised bugle,’ said Emin.
Animal rights campaigners did not mar the event after being assured that it was only a metaphorical goose strangulation being used for the purposes of lowbrow satire.
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Experts Spot Flaws in American Movie Version of Royal Wedding
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Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Roman Abramovich Buys The Art World's Most Flawed Masterpiece
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I know... Not come out as well as I'd hoped. Surprisingly difficult to produce a parody of Edvard Munch with your fourth attempt at using watercolours. Bloody stuff gets everywhere. You should see the state of my carpet...
I know... Not come out as well as I'd hoped. Surprisingly difficult to produce a parody of Edvard Munch with your fourth attempt at using watercolours. Bloody stuff gets everywhere. You should see the state of my carpet...
Back Soon
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I will take some small crumb of comfort knowing that this cartoon goes live just as I sit down in that damn chair.
As it says, back soon...
I will take some small crumb of comfort knowing that this cartoon goes live just as I sit down in that damn chair.
As it says, back soon...
Monday, 11 April 2011
Friday, 8 April 2011
Man With Three Voice Boxes Earns Promotion
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In any normal walk of life, the misfortune of being born with three voice boxes would be considered a disadvantage.
‘You would think that. You might think that. That’s something you might consider,’ says Gary Neville, an unemployed 36-year-old from Manchester, who has bravely overcome his disability to be awarded the lucrative job of Sky Sports' annoying pundit, a position recently vacated by Andy Gray.
After years of therapy, Gary has learned to overcome his problems by training each of his voice boxes to say the same thing but in a slightly different way. He finds it a boon when commentating on matches.
‘Sir Alex always said you had to keep going,’ said Gary as he put pen to paper on the five year deal at twelve o’clock today. ‘Sir Alex never let us give up. Sir Alex said you had to keep playing until you hear the final whistle.’
Yet as disability groups celebrate Gary’s success, there have been some who cast doubt on the appointment.
‘Three voice boxes might be an advantage,’ said an anonymous source inside Sky, ‘but not one of them can say a decent thing about Liverpool.’
When this was put to him, Neville responded with remarkable candour. ‘Sir Alex said that you should always respect the opposition. Respect the opposition, that’s what Sir Alex always used to say. At the end of the day, you have to beat the team on the field especially when they’re a team like Liverpool.’
Sky are delighted in their new acquisition and have dismissed concerns that some viewers might be annoyed by Neville’s habit of rephrasing whatever he’s said another two times.
In unrelated news, Sky have announced that subscribers taking their HD service have dropped significantly over the last two months, with the biggest fall seen around noon today. Sky also admit that viewers using their 3D service might find that they experience more nausea in the coming months. They say this is normal and there is no need to report faulty equipment but paper bags will be going out with this month's Sky viewer's magazine.
In any normal walk of life, the misfortune of being born with three voice boxes would be considered a disadvantage.
‘You would think that. You might think that. That’s something you might consider,’ says Gary Neville, an unemployed 36-year-old from Manchester, who has bravely overcome his disability to be awarded the lucrative job of Sky Sports' annoying pundit, a position recently vacated by Andy Gray.
After years of therapy, Gary has learned to overcome his problems by training each of his voice boxes to say the same thing but in a slightly different way. He finds it a boon when commentating on matches.
‘Sir Alex always said you had to keep going,’ said Gary as he put pen to paper on the five year deal at twelve o’clock today. ‘Sir Alex never let us give up. Sir Alex said you had to keep playing until you hear the final whistle.’
Yet as disability groups celebrate Gary’s success, there have been some who cast doubt on the appointment.
‘Three voice boxes might be an advantage,’ said an anonymous source inside Sky, ‘but not one of them can say a decent thing about Liverpool.’
When this was put to him, Neville responded with remarkable candour. ‘Sir Alex said that you should always respect the opposition. Respect the opposition, that’s what Sir Alex always used to say. At the end of the day, you have to beat the team on the field especially when they’re a team like Liverpool.’
Sky are delighted in their new acquisition and have dismissed concerns that some viewers might be annoyed by Neville’s habit of rephrasing whatever he’s said another two times.
In unrelated news, Sky have announced that subscribers taking their HD service have dropped significantly over the last two months, with the biggest fall seen around noon today. Sky also admit that viewers using their 3D service might find that they experience more nausea in the coming months. They say this is normal and there is no need to report faulty equipment but paper bags will be going out with this month's Sky viewer's magazine.
Crisis at BBC
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BBC Centre was briefly evacuated this morning when Richard Madeley’s ego was left partially exposed during routine maintenance. It is believed that that levels of gin and tonic normally used to cool the ego were allowed to run low at 8.27AM. Madeley's ego then began to compliment itself as to the job it was doing presenting Chris Evan’s morning radio programme. The BBC has stressed that the incident lasted no more than five minutes during which time Madeley announced his ambition to become the next Archbishop of Canterbury, explained the invention of the clockwork cog, and declared his interest in all things Liberian. The Liberian Embassy has since assured us that his claim to own 95% of the country is unfounded.
Events leading up to the incident are now sure to figure prominently in the BBC’s formal investigation. Space around the ego had been filled with unfiltered coffee earlier in the day as part of the usual routine for producing high energy radio. It is believed that this only compounded the danger once the G&T ran out.
Madeley was later said to be comfortable and his ego back down to operating temperatures. He will be monitored in the coming days to ensure that there is no further leaking of his ego into the environment. His wife, Judy, has refused to evacuate to a safe distance but precautionary measures have been taken to issue her with lead-lined mittens and a long stick.
BBC Centre was briefly evacuated this morning when Richard Madeley’s ego was left partially exposed during routine maintenance. It is believed that that levels of gin and tonic normally used to cool the ego were allowed to run low at 8.27AM. Madeley's ego then began to compliment itself as to the job it was doing presenting Chris Evan’s morning radio programme. The BBC has stressed that the incident lasted no more than five minutes during which time Madeley announced his ambition to become the next Archbishop of Canterbury, explained the invention of the clockwork cog, and declared his interest in all things Liberian. The Liberian Embassy has since assured us that his claim to own 95% of the country is unfounded.
Events leading up to the incident are now sure to figure prominently in the BBC’s formal investigation. Space around the ego had been filled with unfiltered coffee earlier in the day as part of the usual routine for producing high energy radio. It is believed that this only compounded the danger once the G&T ran out.
Madeley was later said to be comfortable and his ego back down to operating temperatures. He will be monitored in the coming days to ensure that there is no further leaking of his ego into the environment. His wife, Judy, has refused to evacuate to a safe distance but precautionary measures have been taken to issue her with lead-lined mittens and a long stick.
Thursday, 7 April 2011
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Defective Spoons
Continuing our 'Clearing-The-Decks-Of-Any-Dumb-Cartoon-I've-Left-Over-In-My-Old-Sketchbook' Day here at The Spine...
Accountant To Star In Fantasy Film
I'm a bit behind with my cartoons today, so excuse them if they're a bit rushed. I blame my having watched 'Season of the Witch' last night instead of working late into the night.Have you seen ‘Season of the Witch’? Basically, a couple of Crusaders (Cage and the ever magnificent Ron Perlman) are doing their bit for the crusades when they are suddenly struck by their consciences and decide to give it up. Returning to Europe, they discover the land infested by plague, which the Catholic Church believe is caused by some young looker (Claire Foy) who they’ve decided is a witch. Herein, Cage and Ron agree to transport the witch to an abbey where monks possess the last Book of Solomon which can vanquish the plague.
I could go on but it was a load of old hokum with absolutely no thought to historical accuracy and some of the worst casting I’ve seen. Their guide on the quest is a scoundrel raised on the streets of this Medieval European village with a sun-baked California accent. The only thing to be said other than Ron Perlman should be cast as the lead in every film (and, while I’m about it, can I recommend the woefully underrated ‘The Last Supper’ as his best), is that I hope Nicholas Cage pays off his debts soon because I don’t think I can take much more of this.
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