Saturday, 30 June 2012

Tom Cruise Rejoins Dating Scene


Tom Cruise is one of those entities that could only exist at this point in time and space. He is, for want of a better word: perfect. The marketing people love him and he, being a product of their dark arts, does everything he can to help them. On TV, he shines in interview. He seems lively, interested, self-deprecating, and, unless you look too closely, he hasn’t aged a day since he wiped the spittle from Dustin Hoffman’s chin in ‘Rainman’. At film premieres, he takes more time signing autographs for fans than any other star, and though his films tend to stick to the generic conventions (boom, bang, kick a chair, snog, bang), they aren’t woeful. When he appeared on ‘Top Gear’, he posted the fastest time in the ‘Star in the Reasonably Priced Car’ and for recreation he rides motorbikes and pulls loops in his plane. In addition to all of that, he has great teeth and more money than Jesus’s sandal salesman. I would even go so far as to say that, except for the aforementioned ‘perfection’, it’s hard to really dislike Tom Cruise.

Unless, of course, you mention the bit about Scientology…

I don’t go in for much religion but I think if there is a God or Gods out there, up there, or in our sock drawer, then that God or Gods gave the game away and revealed himself, herself, themselves, in the delightful arrangement they made by which they gave Tom Cruise everything that a man might desire for in life, on the proviso that he has to become the mouthpiece for the biggest pile of half-baked theological shite ever written down by a mortal hand. It was surely a deal that would make Adrian Messenger think twice and Doctor Faust ring his publicist to see if he should prick his finger and sign.

Of course, the divorce of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is a personal tragedy and all that. But perhaps it is a sign that at least one person in Hollywood has the sense to see a few of the flaws in Scientology, such as the fact that it reads like a not particularly good episode of ‘Star Trek’. And not even the original ‘Star Trek’ or ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’. I mean ‘Star Trek: Deep Space One’ or one of those spin-off novelisations written by William Shatner.

Besides, I saw Katie (I’m firmly on her side, I think, should they need me in court) in that underrated chiller, ‘Don't Be Afraid of the Dark’, and she seemed far too rational in that. If she couldn’t believe a young girl’s tales of the creatures living beneath the floorboards, I thought it highly unlikely that she could believe in the concept of our Thetan overlords. Unless, of course, it was the perfect teeth and the speedboats that confused her. Thetans are known for their perfect teeth and speedboats. They'd probably so well as the 'Star in the Reasonably Priced Car’ too... But look at me! I've already said too much. To learn more, send me a cheque for £1000 pounds and/or 10% of your gross income for the next year, whichever is largest.I can't promise you answers but I can promise to set you on the right path to the truth...

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