Thursday, 8 August 2013

My Penis Writes...

I was going to write something else this morning but found myself absorbed in writing this response to yet another miserable man-hating article by Suzanne Moore over at The Guardian. In many respects, I still prefer The Guardian to other newspapers but lately it has been testing my patience and I do find myself reading it less than I used to. Its feminist agenda has become quite virulent over the summer and probably needs to be pruned back to let in a little daylight and some rational thought. 

Another day and another nasty man-baiting article on the front page of The Guardian… Congratulations, you rich London middle class liberals. I find myself reading your newspaper less each day. Your tedious feminist agenda might be attracting the audience demographic you crave but you’re losing the one you already have. Perhaps your new North American readership loves this new direction. Yee haw! I’m just from the North of England, where this newspaper once originated, and you are increasingly less relevant to my life. Up here, having a penis doesn’t seem that significant even when we are sticking them in toasters or forgetting to wash them. We have other fun games to play such as dealing with government cuts (remember them?) and the increasingly brazen divide between the north and the south.

And to think I used to send my articles to The Guardian with the hope of publication. Oh, such typical na├»ve penis-led optimism! It never happened so I thought my comic prose might be at fault. Now I see it was my comic penis. There it limply hangs, ready to be ridiculed because obviously that’s all I am, all I amount to. You say The Sun demeans women by publishing Page 3 but, if I’m honest, I can’t see much difference to the way you routinely demean those of us damned by the meat. Whatever abilities I bring to this world mean nothing because of this precious piece of nothing between my thighs. My entire being is routinely reduced to the worst stereotype. Yesterday Polly Toynbee implied that because I’m a man, I’m part of that misogynistic culture that apparently pervades our country. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I have no right to reply. I’m just another of those slobbering would-be rapists, Twitter abusers, craven women haters in that big solid ball of ugliness you’ve created and labelled ‘men’.

So, thank you Guardian. You’ve put me off reading anything else here today. And thank you Suzanne Moore. You’ve earned your monthly stipend by again lowering the standards of a once great newspaper and proving that in an already shallow world there is always room for a little more crass vulgarity.

I would say more but I must stop typing. My penis is getting very sore from hitting all these keys.


  1. Repetitive knob injury can result from willie-typing, although if you had an infinite number of old chaps bashing an infinite number of keyboards, how long would it take them to write 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?

    Could be worse. Did you have an Action Man as a kid? His looked like he'd had a terrible accident while ironing in the nude.

    Try sending the Grauniad an article with a female name attached and see what happens.

  2. The thought brings tears to my eyes... Good laughter tears, though. Not the bad sort of tears.

    I did have an action man but I don't recall what was under his trousers.though I'm pretty sure it was something camouflaged.

    I have considered (many times) writing an article as a woman but I figure why waste my time? Their arguments are tired and their humour without wit. I'm genuinely fed up with The Guardian's creep towards women's magazines yet other paper comes close to their free and well designed website with the occasional gem despite the increasing amount of dross they publish.

  3. Mr Spine you might like to read this

  4. Oh, thank you for that excellent link! I read the article and thought it made some very good points but sadly about some really dumb examples of the male sex. No right-minded man would ever use Alan Titchmarsh or Nick Ross as examples of men at our best. And it would have also been a bit better if the author hadn’t ended it with ‘If you’ve read this and think I’m a nasty bitch who needs your penis to shut me up, well, you’re probably a sexist.’ That’s the Suzanne Moore school of journalism I find offensive.

    This is probably going back to my post about Twitter from a few days ago but I accept that there are terribly sexist men. I’ve met them and they offend me as much as I would think they would offend women. But they’re offensive because, for want of a better word, they’re arseholes. They tend to be just as demeaning, patronising, and parochial to men as they are to women.

    Of course, because being an arsehole is a common human trait, it means there are arseholes who are women as well. But to point that out isn’t being sexist. It’s simply pointing out something about the nature of humanity, I think. The arsehole DNA cannot be supressed. It appears where it will and without warning. Many men are cretinous because they’re human. Not because they’re men. The penis means nothing except it’s a way to discriminate as ridiculous as attempts by our forefathers to judge character based on the shape of our ears.

    Hmm… The Arsehole DNA… Now if I can think of a way to draw it, that has to be my cartoon for tomorrow! So a double thank you. Thank you for the link and thank you for provoking that thought… ;)