Thursday, 8 August 2013

Why I Love Canadians

The great virtue of Canadians is that they have a wilderness approach to living. Only sexually active when adjacent to permafrost, they mate like the hoary marmot of their Northwest Territories: once a year their hind quarters quiver quite visibly and they then enjoy a long period of hibernation as they dream about moose. It means that they’re an affable and honest nation. Canadians have that wipe-its-ass-and-pass-me-the-mustard attitude towards eating and they don’t consider a walk healthy unless it involves a couple of mountains and fording a raging stream with a length of hemp rope and flying squirrel.

Their attitude to comedy is equally liberal and involves nothing more sophisticated than pointing at something and laughing as hard as you can until you puncture a lung. It means they have a healthy attitude to promoting themselves. I was gratified to see that my work has now achieved some degree of fame by appearing on Baconface’s website. Is this is an honour to rival my appearance on the Sparks Facebook page? You bet it is, though like Ron and Russell Mael, Baconface is another conspicuously avoiding a visit to the north west of England this year. I won’t get to see him and that is sad because, as a northerner, I feel a great affinity towards Canadians. In many respect, we northerners are the Canadians of England, very similar in outlook and spirit but lacking the vole fixation.

Saying all this in praise of Canadians, I do have to ask you: what kind of operation takes another man’s work without even providing a backlink? Not that I blame the crack team of social engineers working on Baconface’s behalf. They’re probably Canadians too, with the mentality of outlaws and bodies like Newfoundland fisherman brought up on walrus fins and woodchuck. Backlinks won’t be invented in Canada for another ninety years. It will help them retain their innocence whilst the rest of the world descends into anarchy and wingding porn.

After yesterday’s news, it was also gratifying to see that Baconface has not shied away from also publishing The Guardian review that so offended me. That takes some hutzpah, which, as you know, is a good old Canadian word meaning ‘porpoise testicles in brine’. To tackle your severest critics head on is the way to be. So, have at them, Baconface, and long may your perishable meat remain free of brain parasites!

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