Wednesday, 3 December 2014

How Nigel Farage's Penis Ruined My Day

Damn it. Bollocks. Shit.

I'm swearing because I can. I'm also swearing because Google think this blog might be unsuitable for a family audience. Well, too bloody right. It's not family friendly now and never will be again. Arse. Nuts. Engorged flanges.

You might have noticed a yellow block at the top of the blog yesterday and this morning. I had big plans for that block. I'd hoped it was going to be filled with blonde women advertising bra sales and canoe weekends. I was hoping that advertisers might interest you in their knitted vests and you would click to buy yourself enough woolens for winter and that I would receive a nice commission on that sale. In other words: I'd finally relented and added Google ads to the site. I thought it would generate a little bit of revenue and every penny counts in these hard days in our frigid economy.

Only, I stupidly requested Google Ads on the one day that I'd drawn a penis on the blog and they have now rejected my application on the grounds that this isn't a 'family friendly' site.

I don't think I've ever drawn a penis on this blog in the nine years I've been writing it. I might never draw Nigel Farage's penis again, though, as soon as I type those words, I realise that will now have to draw Nigel Farage's penis again. In fact, I might as well make this blog about nothing other than Nigel Farage's penis. Hell, I might give its own comic strip.

The irony is that wherever I travel on the world worst web, I see many things more disturbing than a tiny drawing of Nigel Farage's penis. Football websites often have Google Ads alongside women fondling their breasts, which I don't take to be a 'bad thing' but certainly not 'family friendly'. However, I have run foul of the Google censors and now I can't even earn a few pence to make this blog feel like a viable concern.

So, like I said... Damn it. Bollocks. And shit.


If that wasn't bad enough, Nigel Farage's penis is also behind the second reason why I'm having a bad day.

A friend emailed last night to say that he thought I was desperate for popularity and I replied that I doubted if that's true. Beyond managing to sustain myself, my real ambition for writing and cartooning isn't popularity but simply to be read by a certain intelligent crowd who are cynical, sceptical, but good natured and broadly humanist. I'd like to know that there are a few loyal people who enjoy the things I do. I'd much rather be cult than mainstream. I'd rather have a few people enjoying most of what I do, rather than everybody enjoying just one thing.

However, some days, things like this happen to me.

It was hubris, I know, to post that cartoon but I'd thought it quite good. I didn't think it would be the best thing on the site but I definitely didn't think it worthy of being in (almost) last place.


Not to disparage another person's efforts but I have to really rethink things if my cartoons are getting ranked lower than this effort.


My friend is probably right. He's one of life's immensely wise and intelligent beings. Perhaps these dumb little 'Recommends' mean more to me than they should and I should shout, 'Screw them! Screw them all!' I should let people come here looking for me than searching for an audience whose idea of satire is something like that.

Needless to say: I now regret drawing Nigel Farage's penis but I know I'll now have to draw it again. I'll have to draw it again and again just so the bastards don't think they've won.


  1. well if anything deserves a blog of its own then its surely nigel farage's penis. imagine the adventures it's had! what sights it must have seen.

  2. LOL. If I weren't that busy, I would have already set up that blog and written three posts for it.

  3. Your sense of timing is amazing - and oi - stop knocking my Guardian least its not covered in tippex...

  4. Bah! Rubbish! If you'd drawn that, it would be patiently cross hatched and a work of beauty. Don't start me going about how good your stuff is or I'll just embarrass you.

    Bloody Guardian readers have ruined my week...