Thursday, 18 July 2013

I Should Have Asked Kenneth Branagh…

Big news! The neighbour’s inflatable pool/urinal disappeared last night!

I gazed out the window at eight o’clock and saw a patch of dead grass which, to my eyes, looked as wonderful as any green patch of Eden. I went to bed happy and slept blissfully until I awoke this morning to a dim grumbling. At first, I suspected peptic troubles but then noticed that the noise was coming from somewhere about 25 feet below my lower intestine.

I peeled myself from my bed and padded over to the window. I threw open my curtains on a scene that would have made lesser men drop a third testicle. The pool was back and an electric pump was inflating it to an Olympic size. I swear this pool is getting bigger by the day! If I didn’t know better, I’d even say that the swine next door had gone out and bought a new one. They’re putting serious investment into their inflatables too. A huge dolphin meant to be ridden is now floating on the pristine waters of The Lake. This is going to be a long hot summer, about as relaxing as a crisis in the Middle East.

Meanwhile, I’m suffering with the heat. I’m currently working on a new cartoon strip which is progressing well. It’s funnier than my last one (or I hope it is) and with two of the four pages already done, there’s only two more to be pencilled in today whilst cricket it on in the background and I await the arrival of ‘Hell’s Klaxon’ aka next door’s grandchild.

It’s a strange business all around… I noticed that Kenneth Branagh was answering questions over at The Guardian. He’s currently in the area, appearing in Macbeth at the Manchester Festival. I racked my brains to think of something intelligent to ask but, in the end, I gave up and got two replies for my troubles. Despite my pretensions otherwise, I guess I’m as much a sucker for the aroma of celebrity as anybody… I now wish I’d sent him a Stan letter…

However his tip regarding ways to keep dogs cool in summer is proving very helpful. Not for any dog but for me. I’ve now got a commemorative tea towel (Rhyl variety) draped over my neck and it is definitely keeping me cool. I should have asked him about ways to take out an inflatable swimming pool from a distance of 25 feet. He seems a bright bloke. I have the feeling he might have known the answer.


  1. Significant major bummer!

    I trust you have your super soaker and milk bottle full of green water at the ready?

  2. LOL. Yes, the fetid water is in the form of a bird bath I'm keeping suitable moist. The super soaker is a converted bike pump. Just need to choose my moment...