Tuesday, 17 February 2015

In Other Sphincter News...

There's was story over at The Independent yesterday about a guy who took part in the Carnaval del Toro in Spain over the weekend. The Carnaval del Toro, should you not know or guess, is when they run bulls through the streets and everybody gets to act like Billy Crystal in 'City Slickers'.

Except this year there was one guy who didn't get to act like Billy Crystal. This year a guy was caught by the bull and severely gored. Now, this isn't particularly interesting. It's predictable and I'd even argue that it's not particularly newsworthy. What is interesting is the way The Independent chose to report the story. The sub-headline read:
Mr Miller underwent a three-hour long surgery after being gored multiple times and receiving wounds to his thigh, sphincter and back.

Now, you might want to read that again just in case you missed the key word hidden in the middle. Yes. That's right. He was gored through his sphincter or, to use a less medical term, he caught a horn up his arsehole.

That is a terrible thing to imagine and obviously would be more terrible to experience but I can't help but think that the whole article turns around the word 'sphincter'. It's like the journalists really want to shout 'he caught a horn up the chuff!' but really can't lest they sound callous or lowbrow. Not that it makes a jot of difference. Not one of the comments below the article gave the poor guy even an ounce of sympathy, which I suppose is to be expected. Bull fighting is a brutal business. However, getting a bull's horn up your arse is even more brutal. You have to feel for the guy. I mean: can they even reconstruct a sphincter?

That, when you think about it, is going to be one odd line of business. Does some kid in medical school consciously think they'd like to get into sphincter reconstruction surgery? I guess it's a branch of proctology, which is another thing that often baffles me. When I make a list of things that interest me, the human arse (with a few obvious exceptions) is not high on my list. What motivates a proctologist to get up in the morning? I sometimes can't face a day starting at my computer screen. I can't imagine what life is life for somebody facing a day spent staring at a thing I recently heard described as the 'rusty sheriff's badge'.

But I digress. I hope the guy and his sphincter make a full recovery and finally get to act like Billy Crystal, perhaps with a film to follow. 'Running Scared', perhaps. 'Monster Pink'. 'Anal-yze That'? Maybe even '61*' which isn't so much a pun as a visual joke if you think about it long enough.

Monday, 16 February 2015

Three Obscene Letters For Monday





Funny how three letters make this cartoon pretty obscene but would it be as obscene without the three letters? Perhaps too much to dwell on so early in the week.

It's been a strange morning. I woke up to see the headline on The Guardian that Tony Hart had died. Not a good way to start the day but I was relieved to later notice that the report was an error. He'd actually died over half a decade ago, so that's a relief. We can all cheer up.

Even though he didn't die today but over half a decade ago, I don't see why I can't mention how much I used to love Tony Hart's programmes when I was a kid. My favourite part of the show was the gallery. We'd all sit around and cynically proclaim the better drawings done by parents and give big cheers to the really bad drawings obviously done by university students as a prank. I never sent any drawings in to Tony Hart. Had I been old enough, I'd have probably fallen into the latter category of pranksters. It would never have occurred to me to send an actual drawing. Teachers at school had told me that I couldn't draw so I never tried. Of course, I still can't draw as today's cartoon demonstrates.

I drew today's cartoon because the idea made me smile as soon as it popped out of [blatant plug] The Gag Machine, late last night. However, when it was finished, I realised that it had absolutely no value. Nobody would buy a cartoon like this. It's overdrawn and bestiality is never a popular subject. It was a complete waste of my time drawing it.

Because I've been adding new features to The Gag Machine, I've been drawing lots of cartoons the past week. The beauty of the machine is that I now have more ideas than I can use. However, for once, I'm trying to work in a professional manner. I'm building up a stock of cartoons which I can send to magazines in a last desperate attempt to sell at least one. This 'never sold a single cartoon' tag is beginning to kill me.

Speaking of new features: I've now got the program emailing joke ideas to me. At the moment, I use it as an easy way of transferring ideas between devices but I'm now wondering if I can use it more creatively. Perhaps even automate a twitter feed... Hmm... So many ideas and I have more data to compile. Must get cracking.

Sunday, 15 February 2015

I Don't Care What @Lisagade Says: I'll Never Buy Another Dell

If I were to judge a person's value by how much time I spend watching them on Youtube, Lisa Gade at mobiletechreview.com should rightly be a billionaire. Without fear of contracting myself later, I'd say she's pretty much my favourite internet personality. Over the last few years, she's the only person I listen to when it comes to buying new hardware or, much more likely the truth, lusting over new hardware.


I noticed the other day that she's just reviewed the new Dell XPS 13. She liked it, said good things about it, and did all the things you'd expect in a quality review. It made me sigh a little as I watched the review and realised that I've been going far too long without a working laptop. However, there's no way I can afford a new laptop and, in truth, even if I did have the money, I'd much rather improve my cartooning by upgrading my Samsung Note to a Surface Pro 3. Yet, I do miss writing when I'm away from home and that's how my eyes came to fall on the dark lump of plastic sitting on the shelf.


I'm currently away from home and typing this on a previous generation Dell XPS 13 after spending most of today reviving it.


csm_dell_studio_xps13I'd previously abandoned this laptop for reasons I couldn't recall until I'd reinstalled Windows and started to use it again. I'm about an hour into this renewed relationship and I can say that at this point I'd happily take a divorce. I'd throw it in the bin except it cost me more than I could afford at the time and now I can't afford to replace it with anything better. It also reminds me why I'd be an idiot to ever again trust Dell. Much as I trust Lisa Gade, nothing on this green earth would put the Dell badge back in my lap. Let me explain why.


The Dell XPS 13 1340 is a cankerous boil of a laptop. Worse than that. It's the kind of machine that could leave you with cankerous boils where your wrists have come into contact with its blisteringly hot body. It's a machine that's legendary in the ranks of horrible machines. Reviews on the internet will still say it's a great machine yet you only discover how astonishingly bad it is after a month or so of use, by which time it's too late to get your money back. I should know. I tried to get my money back. Some people argue it had a design flaw in the way the lid opens and blocks the vents at the back of the machine. Other people will tell you that the vents have nothing to do with it and the problem stems from a design flaw inside the machine that restricts airflow. Others simply point out that the graphics chip was one of Nvidia's worse and was notorious for overheating.


I don't really care about the cause. All I know is that I've never owned a PC, Mac or toaster that gets quite so hot quite so quickly. I'm working on the laptop now and my wrists are already hot and sore where they've been resting on the front of the machine. At the back of the machine, it's already so hot that it's not comfortable to touch for more than a few seconds. I bought a thermal cooler to rest it on but the thermal cooler does nothing to improve matters. It just makes more noise. And all this heat and noise is being produced when the machine is in power saving mode and all I'm doing is editing this document in Open Office.


This particular machine has already burnt out one graphics card which I had replaced under warranty after the machine started to issue a smell indicative of melted plastic. I don't know how much longer this current card will last but when it goes, this monstrous heap of junk will be dead and I won't pay to recover it. The whole thing has been an absolute waste of the 800+ of the extremely hard earned pounds I paid for it.


That wouldn't be so bad but the XPS range has always been Dell's top of the range laptops. They're supposed to be the best they can produce and give the best experience. My experience has been one of abject misery. Consider the four laptops I've owned and how useful they've been.


My first was a monster back in the day when laptops were the size of suitcases. It was a brand whose name I can't even recall and the laptop probably weighed more than all my subsequent laptops put together. I wrote all my degree essays on it but it was a nightmare to lug around.


When I finished my degree and moved on to do an MA, I bought the one laptop I've only ever loved. It was an absolutely beautiful tiny Sony VAIO. It was simply the best laptop I've ever owned and, in all likelihood, will ever own. It had a magnesium body and weighed next to nothing. I wrote so much on that small 10 inch screen. I edited at least three academic books on it. I edited countless volumes of a literary journal. I wrote both my MA and my Ph.D. on that machine. I loved it. And then an anthology of romantic poetry (edited by Duncan Wu) fell on it from a high shelf and it was never the same. I was devastated. Utterly heartbroken.


I couldn't afford another quality VAIO so I bought a cheap plastic-bodied Sony. It did its job. I wrote about three books on that laptop including many of the 600+ Stan Madeley letters that become 'Second-Class Male'. I blogged on it for a few years. It was a good machine but when I started to work in Manchester and needed to travel, carrying it started to hurt my back so I sold it and bought this Dell.


On this Dell I've done absolutely nothing of note. I've owned it as long as my original VAIO but it's so unusable to be practically useless. I could have written a couple of books in my downtime had it been usable. But I've not. I can't take it into quiet study rooms in libraries because the fan start spinning and annoyed people begin to look my way. The battery life is so poor that it's pointless taking it to a coffee shop to do a little writing or light web surfing. It's only useful if you're in a noisy environment and near a power supply and you can endure the misery of hot wrists. Just writing this has convinced me that it's going back on the shelf. I notice one is currently selling for £50 on eBay but I'm not sure I could bring myself to wish it on anybody. I should in all honesty just dump it or give it to a charity shop because it's so bad. However, I just can't bring myself to do that. After all: it's my laptop.


All of which brings me to my point. Why are companies are so happy about pissing off their consumers by stubbornly refusing to acknowledge bad products? Dell knew about this problem years ago yet they did nothing to rectify it when I complained. I just got passed between a succession of Indian telesales operators. What would it have cost them to replace it? Since then, I've lost count of the number of times I've been asked to recommend laptops to family members and friends. I've always been the 'go to' guy when people need PC help so I now only recommend Asus and Lenovo, usually based on Lisa Gade's reviews.


Like I say, there's nobody I trust more than Lisa Gade when it comes to hardware reviews but even she can't persuade me to look again at Dell. My wrists are hot. I'm publishing this and shutting this machine down. Not sure I'll ever find a reason to turn it back on.

EasyAcc Hub and Docking Station Review

[I never get asked to review hardware, which has always been something of a disappointment given the years I've been writing this blog and professing my love for technology. However, my zero offers in ten years record was broken last week, though not via this blog. An offer came through via Amazon. Somebody must have realised that I own and love my EasyAcc USB Hub, which I've written about before. If it's possible to love a lump of plastic and USB ports, then how I feel about my hub is love and erotic love at that. It's been depressing the number of USB hubs I've owned that broke after a couple of months. So, last October, I finally invested a birthday voucher into a quality hub and I haven't regretted it. It sits on my table like the obelisk in 2001. It's a thing of beauty to behold, pumps out plenty of power, and controls everything without any trouble. Unlike previous hubs, I never have to unplug my Wacom tablet to wake it up. It just works. 

Anyway, EasyAcc sent me one of their new hub/docking stations and this is my review with an unpacking video. I won't be posting the video to Amazon because, as always, I hate the sound of my voice and I also make a few mistakes in it. The unit has 3 standard USB 2.0 ports, not four like I initially guess. Also, I didn't know that TF means MicroSD. You learn something new every day.

The only part of this I'm not sure about is giving it a score. It seems self evident that I'd want to give it 5 out of 5, which makes it really difficult to give it 5 out of 5, despite my genuinely liking this hub. This reviewing business is not as easy as it looks...]



Review

I currently own an EasyAcc C72 Smart USB hub and I can happily say that it's been the best USB hub I've ever owned. So when EasyAcc gave me a chance to review one of their new Hub / Docking Station, I was cleaning a space on my desk before the email had left my outbox.

It arrived in EasyAcc's usual green non-nonsense packaging. The unit feels particularly nice to touch, with a slight rubberised texture, and is a sniff wider that 13cm, meaning it's wide enough to hold my 10.1 inch Samsung Note without danger of it sliding off. It's 7cm deep which, again, provides a fairly stable base but more about that later.

It came with one short standard USB cable and another short ribbon cable with a micro USB plug on the end. There were no cables to connect to an iPad. The power supply was reassuringly sizable and not the usual plug adaptor. A short two pin power cable runs to the brick, which means it doesn't take up too much space on my crowded extension block.

The unit itself comes with a single USB port to connect to your PC and three standard USB 2.0 ports. There are two additional ports colour coded to indicate they are higher powered. One is a 'fast charging' port and provides 5V at 2.4A and the other a 'charging port' which delivers 5V at 1A. It also comes with two slots (one SD and another TF meaning it takes cards with the MicroSD form factor) but since I have no use for them (and no cards to try in them), I haven't reviewed them. The unit is switched on via a simple in/out button on the back. When powered the unit has a single pinpoint of blue light on the front. Personally, I'd have preferred the light further away from the screen but that's probably a personal preference and you soon forget to notice it.

The design of the unit means that you're meant to feed the short USB cable through the small gap at the base of the unit and then plug it into your tablet or phone which can rest on the unit as it charges. That's a nice idea though in practise I found it a bit fiddly. It might be a flaw with my Note, which connects snugly to some USB cables and too loosely to others. I couldn't get a good connection and it was fiddly to lower the tablet onto the stand whilst retaining a connection. Again, this might just be a problem with my tablet and my clumsy fingers.

However, this 'problem' reveals what I think is the unit's best feature. It doesn't demand that you use it in a particular configuration. I quickly realised that it was much more useful to me to use the station without trailing the cable through the gap. I tend to use my Note upside down due to the placement of the home button, which I prefer at the top. So, thus far, I've been standing my tablet on the unit upside down. This is ideal but brings me to my only criticism. Unlike the Smart Hub which is heavily weighted to ensure it is very stable, this docking station isn't provided with any additional weight. With my tablet inverted, as I like to use it, pressing the home button can rock the station back. I have to support the tablet whilst pressing the button. This is really a very minor quibble but seems strange given that a benefit of their weighted USB hub is that it is rock solid. When holding an expensive tablet, it would have been a great bonus to have a stand equally firm on its footings. That, however, is a case of looking for problems rather than identifying a real issue. Similarly, like every docking station I've ever owned, the groove in the EasyAcc's base doesn't accommodate my tablet in its current case. Again: not really a problem but something that might be worth considering before you buy.

Regarding the other features. I've used this as a USB hub with no problem. It connected to my Windows 7 PC with no fuss and I even daisy-chained it to my EasyAcc Smart Hub which, for me, is ideal.

I've tried quite a few docking hubs over the years but this is a vast improvement over any I've owned. I've made room for it on my hugely overcrowded desk and that, really, is the highest compliment I can give it. I'd recommended it if you want a flexible docking station that adapts to your needs and doesn't force you to jam your tablet onto a fixed fitting which usually end up breaking after continued use. I could quibble about the weight but is it enough to make me give it only four stars out of five? I think that would be too harsh for a hub that suits my needs just about perfectly.

5 / 5.

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Modern Love

Not much time to blog today but a quick slice of life in the form of something I heard about half an hour ago. Builder parked in our town talking to a friend in a van parked next to him. Youngish type. He shouts, boastfully.

'Couldn't be arsed buying her a card so I threw three hundred pound at her and said treat yourself.'

In other news: Happy Valentines Day.

Friday, 13 February 2015

The Lulu Conundrum

So, I'm sitting here looking at my website visitor statistics when this pops up.

lulu

 

Somebody out there is asking the most interesting questions. I never knew that Richard Madeley didn't like Lulu. I tried to ignore it but then I began to wonder myself why Richard Madeley doesn't like Lulu. What possibly reason could he have for disliking her? I didn't want to search for it but I found that I must. And that's when I found this:

lulu2

 

There, indeed, it states that Richard Madeley doesn't like 60s pop sensation Lulu. I never knew...

Unfortunately, I wrote that myself and I've become victim of my own hoax, which proves, yet again, that the Internet really is a small place and it's very easy to find yourself looping back to pick up the scent of your own weird obsessions.

Friday

Friday has come around so quickly. I've spent the majority of the past week trying not to succumb to the heavy cold that started last Friday. Thankfully, yesterday seemed to the point at which it turned and I began to feel in the mood for chewing stones. It probably accounts for yesterday's long rattling post which has been read/viewed/glanced over, so far, by about three people. Time and time again I wonder: why do I bother?

I know why I bother. I enjoy writing, which is why I'm so saddened by the terrible new that David Carr, the New York Times journalist, has died. Like many people, I became a fan of Carr after watching the sublime documentary, 'Page One: Inside the New York Times'. What attracted me to Carr was that he was genuinely acerbic, a quality that I think is disappearing from our media. His wasn't the kind of facile nastiness that passes for character these days. He wasn't of the 'shock jock' style of reporter. His was a bile drawn from life's experiences and conveyed the same authenticity and anger which was so evident in his writing. Seeing the headline announcing his death over at The Guardian, I groaned audibly. So rare that I do that. It's a really sad day for journalism.

It's strange how I find myself become more invested and interested in proper journalism. My week has slowly become more informed by the better type of journalist, many of whom I actively seek out to read or watch. Perhaps it's simply because we're approaching a general election that my political antenna are twitching. Last night I drew cartoons whilst watching Question Time, The Week in Politics, and The Daily Show. It's my favourite night's viewing but it saddens me that is comes around only once a week.

It's strange how little original TV I watch. The last week's 'new' TV amounted to:

Real Time With Bill Maher
The Daily Show
Michael Cockerell's 'Inside the Commons' (so so good)
Question Time
The Week in Politics

Beyond those shows, I watch repeats of things I've seen before. I need to find myself a source of documentaries or start to read more good books. I draw too much. Write too much. Absorb too little.

Thursday, 12 February 2015

A Defence of Peter Molyneux

petermolyneux1The world is a pretty uncompromising place. Yesterday Eurogamer published a story which has caused quite the stir in the gaming community. It's also the kind of general interest story you can expect to see hit the national newspapers in a couple of days. It's a story about greed and ambition, money and fame, as well as that perennial British favourite: the satisfaction of seeing a man beaten by his dreams. I won't say too much about the content of the story which is worth reading in its entirety. However, in précis: in 2013, a Scottish student won a competition run by the company 22 Cans. The prize was to play 'god' in an upcoming game in development at the company. The game is called Godus and it is the brainchild of gaming 'legend' Peter Molyneux.

What happened subsequently is a case study of how business and nerds rarely make for happy bedfellows. The winner was taken to the studios where he was treated pretty indifferently, largely ignored during a subsequent pub session and, when he returned home, the company did little to communicate their plans for him. He has yet to become 'god' in their game or get the 1% of profits that he was promised would change his life. That, however, is just one element of the story. Of more concern is the story of the game itself which raised £526,563 through Kickstarter and which has yet to realise some of the ambitions its developers had promised. The whole thing has now descended into a sustained campaign against Molyneux himself but that, in itself, is hardly surprising.

There are not many big names in UK games development but, I guess, Peter Molyneux OBE is the biggest. He made some extremely popular games in the early days of home computing. His company, Bullfrog, made Populus, Syndicate, Black and White, Magic Carpet and, best of all, Dungeon Keeper. He then became part of the Microsoft empire and was behind the Fable franchise before he grew tired of being part of that corporate world and decided to open his own independent studio, which is how 22 Cans came into being.

Yet the key thing to know about Molyneux is that he's not a programmer. He's not a true geek like John Carmack or even Bill Gates. Molyneux is a game designer and he has a fertile imagination that is only matched by his gift for self publicity. He doesn't make the things happen through code. He decides what things should happen and inspires artists and programmers to make that real. He is also a good speaker and can talk at length about the ideas he has for a game. It often means that when he speaks, he's talking about his vision rather than finished product. I recollect getting excited by his early vision for Fable when he talked about planting acorns anywhere in the world and how that acorn would grow to become a tree. It was meant to be a symbol of gaming freedom in a emerging world. He excitedly told us that the game world would be organic and respond dynamically to our choices. He was probably the first person talking about 'emergent gameplay' before emergent gameplay became the 'next big thing'.

The finished game was, of course, nothing like that but a pattern had been established. From thereon, anybody who knew of Molyneux's reputation, expected to be as excited by his vision as we'd be underwhelmed by the finished result. At launch, we would shrug our collective shoulders and try to appreciate what he had achieved. Fable and its successors weren't bad games. They were possibly even great games. However, they were never quite as groundbreaking as Molyneux had hoped or had hyped.

Molyneux's habit of over promising and talking too much has become a running joke among gamers. In the past, he's largely got away with it. Possibly the most famous example was 'Project Milo', a game in development for the XBox 360 in which the user could talk and interact with a child on the screen. It was hailed as a step forward in the way that users would interact with artificial intelligence. I remember watching videos of Molyneux talking in that slightly hushed way he has about the brilliance of the Kinnect system, Microsoft's new method of controlling the console through gestures and voice control. I also remember feeling enormously underwhelmed. I wrote at the time that I expected Kinnect to fail and I knew enough about AI to know that the world that Molyneux promised was at least a decade away.

And so it proved. The game was never published and is now described as a 'technical demo'. Microsoft foolishly gambled on Kinnect, making it central to the XBox One but only to dump it at the side of their XBox roadmap. If Windows 8 wasn't the biggest mistake in Microsoft history, that honour would definitely belong to Kinnect of which Molyneux was one of the early and most vocal advocates.

In a sense, then, the current shit storm has been a long time coming. This morning the gaming sites were filled with articles attacking Molyneux. The reader comments below the articles aren't as gentle. He's the subject of criticism ranging from the valid to the typically buffoonish ad hominem attacks by internet trolls who have never achieved anything in their lives but are quite happy to dismiss a man's career as though it were at best, a folly, and at worst, a well orchestrated fraud.

Yet beyond the typical internet nastiness, there are interesting questions about modern culture and, in particular, the recent culture of the Kickstarter campaign. Kickstarter is a way for creative people to raise money to make their projects real. Want to launch a new design of household plug? Kickstarter will probably raise the money if you can sell your design and make enough people believe in your dream. Plenty of people have used Kickstarter in the past. More will use it in the future. Many will succeed and (unfortunately) quite a few will fail spectacularly. But that's the nature of the Kickstarter business. That's the nature of business. That's the nature of Nature. We call it evolution, which works because there are more failures than there are successes.

However, there is an inherent problem with the Kickstarter model. It treats creativity as if it were highly predictable. Backers treat it as though they are engaging in a simple Amazon transaction. They pay the money so they expect their product to be delivered exactly as advertised, albeit delayed by a few months as the creator goes away and actually makes the product. In most cases, that's exactly what happens. The most successful Kickstarters usually involve doodads perfected in garden sheds. The money is simply raised so the producers can have that doodad made in large quantities in some Chinese sweatshop. That, however, isn't funding creativity. It's funding production.

Funding creativity is a perilous business. It's why the artist/patron model has never been truly successful since, probably, the Renaissance. Creativity is a very tricky business. It's why so few people attempt to do it. Creativity is about staring failure in the face at every step. It's why blogs usually begin and end with a post that reads 'Hello World' and why novels rarely progress beyond that superbly overwritten first chapter. It's why model kits usually end up as a half completely hull thrown in the bin and stuck to a tube of glue that's already gone hard. Software engineering is no different. For every success there are a hundred, possibly even tens of thousands of failures. Many are small. Some the size of government departments that have swallowed billions of pounds over a decade of mismanagement.

In that context, Godus is already something of a success and a damn sight more successful than 'Yogventures', the sandbox game based around the Minecraft Youtubers, which raised $567,665 on Kickstarter and was never made. Godus is already a game that people can play and some people might enjoy. It might not be the game they were promised by that's the nature of creativity. The people who backed Godus were backing a game made by a man who an established reputation for dreaming big and delivering something that can never be described as 'small', but is certainly smaller than the dream.

The worst offence (beyond the old fashioned rudeness shown to the competition winner) might be simply that of a man blinded by his own enthusiasms. I make no apology for choosing that side of the argument. My sympathy is always with the artist who produces interesting failures rather than the creative eunuchs that sit and throw abuse. Unfortunately, it now seems that Molyneux was singularly unsuited to the Kickstarter system. Previously his critics were third parties with an axe to grind. Now they are investors who demand value for their money.

The Godus problem shows us an important difference between private and public creativity. Great films are rarely written by committees. Most novels are the product of one mind. Show people your half-finished work and the process quickly devolves into rewrites and second-guessing. Bring critics into the development process and they will explain which parts are wrong and demand that you fix them before moving on. In the end, the process of communicating with your critics takes more effort than producing the product.

I hope the latest round of 'told you so-ing' doesn't break either Molyneux or 22 Cans. I liked Godus on both PC and Android. I loved the design and I liked the ambition. I still like the ambition and the only reason I don't play it now is because I want to play it when it's finished. And that is the only question that really means anything in this whole shooting match. Do we trust Molyneux enough to finish Godus?

There I have to say that I believe that we should. He might be eager to move on to dreaming new dreams but he has made enough great games that he should be allowed the chance to prove his critics wrong. This is the first time, I believe, he's been so open about the development of a game. Other companies delay launches or launch late and with obvious bugs. Godus is different. We've seen it grow from build to build and that means we do have a sense that things are messy. Molyneux admits to making mistakes but Kickstarting this project means that those mistakes so very public.

And what if he ultimate does fail? What if Godus never turns into the greatest God game ever made? Then like today, the critics, trolls, and spiteful naysayers will have a chance to have their fun. I, however, think that gaming is better because of men like Molyneux. In a way, his visions are more exciting than the games he produces but that is to his credit. We need people with big ideas, even if it means they're too busy to remember the important things like the competition winners, spoof letter writers* and, yes, even the people who invested money in... Well, I was about to write 'invested in the game' but that's not quite right. People didn't just invest in a game. They invested in the process and they are learning that the creative process is long, rough, at times tedious, filled with argument and passion, and that the results are often flawed. If they don't appreciate that, then they should think more carefully about investing in potential. Their complaints ring as hollow as investors buying penny shares. You buy the ticket, you take the ride. You don't really have a right to complain where you end up. Personally speaking, I love every bump of this rocky road.

* Molyneux was one of the people who never replied to my Stan Madeley letters. His PA was very nice, though.

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Goodbye Jon Stewart, America's Next Big Star

Well, that's it then. The world is officially coming to an end. Jon Stewart is leaving 'The Daily Show'.

I'm not sure what to write. I'm a huge fan of 'The Daily Show' and this loss is going to hit me hard, especially in the lead up to the next American elections. I've been watching 'The Daily Show' for the best part of a decade, despite its sporadic appearance on UK schedules forcing me to watch it via (ahem!) 'less conventional means'. Yet if you love satire, then you'd know it's worth the struggle of finding it. For a generation or so, America has been making the best satirical news shows and 'The Daily Show' was the womb from whence the rest sprang. People usually cite 'Saturday Night Live' as the place where American (and Canadian) talent is first spotted but, for me, that accolade should go to 'The Daily Show'. Steve Carell spent five years there. John Oliver found his voice there before hosting his own show on HBO which is a beautiful thing to behold and the current pick of the satirical shows. Stephen Colbert began as a Daily Show regular before spinning off in his own show and is now about to transcend to the biggest nightly show on American TV, when he takes over from David Letterman.

In this context, Jon Stewart announcing his departure is not surprising. If I'm honest, 'The Daily Show' has lost its edge in recent times. Sometimes the writing is weak, the jokes the worst kind of vulgar material not really suited to intelligent satire. Too often it's been an example of the pornogrification of culture I keep writing about. Perhaps Stewart recognises this himself but I wonder what has motivated him to quit. He recently directed his first feature film which has been highly rated. Maybe he thinks it time for him to move to greater things. Yet I'd also understand if he feels a little jaded at seeing the people discovered on his show moving on to greater fame. Colbert now has the honour of following Letterman. Carrell is one of America's best film comedians. Oliver's HBO show is everything 'The Daily Show' should have been. 'This Week With John Oliver' takes aim at a target and does what only the best satire can do: reduce it to a steaming rubble of hypocrisy and filth.

With all that success, it has been too easy to overlook Stewart who, in my opinion, was the best of them yet whose career has not really moved on. Bill Maher you could understand existing in the periphery, enjoyed by a minority who enjoyed the darker horrors that the satirical mind could imagine. Stewart, by contrast, was a bastion of intelligence and wit capable of projecting that solidity into the mainstream. I always believed he was destined to be the next Letterman. That role was never one I imagined for Colbert.

Colbert's show, though fun, was often deeply irritating and I could go weeks not watching it. Playing a mock right-wing host rarely got stale but it was the things that Colbert did around it which I most disliked. He seemed genuinely star struck. I've never quite knew how to think about his use of the deeply controversial Henry Kissinger, who could always be guaranteed to turn up and do a comic turn. Colbert would also promote his own goods in (at first) an ironic way, which became a non-ironic way once the sales started to increase. Getting his audience to push his book to the top of the Amazon charts might be what a real right wing firebrand might do but it sat uncomfortably with the show's underlying liberal agenda. Too often it celebrated the power of the dollar over the power of quality, wit, and independence. Ice cream, children's books, books for adults: there was nothing that Colbert wouldn't sell with his name attached. I often wondered what would have happened if his faux bids to become President had somehow turned real. I could never tell if he genuinely had the ego that would have led him to attempt to carry it off. I just hope a more humble and natural Colbert emerges in the Letterman slot. The worst excesses of the old Colbert won't be an easy to stomach if he attempts to do them as himself.

Meanwhile, I hope 'The Daily Show' gets the host it deserves and some new writing blood can raise its standards. As much as I thought 'The Colbert Show' slot would be in safe hands, I can't find myself warming to Larry Wilmore. It's probably a personal thing but I find his voice deeply grating and too much for late night TV. 'The Daily Show' certainly has a stable of regulars, all of whom could do the job. However, my choice would be Samantha Bee, who has for a long time been the standout performer on the show. This, of course, pretty much guarantees that she won't get the job. I definitely walk where the zeitgeist lies thinnest.

Meanwhile, I'm eager to know what Stewart intends to do next. I'm probably more a fan of the man than the show, so I imagine my viewing habits will change and I'll follow him to wherever he ends up, assuming his future is still in TV and providing it is broadcast here in the UK.  If not, then it's in the lap of the internet gods and I might not get to watch Jon Stewart again. Which makes me again lament that these are sad times. The end of a real golden age of American satire. I wait to see if it's followed by another.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Mojo and Black Eyes

I absolutely hate missing a day's blogging but yesterday my mojo was low. I was also having a pretty bad day. My cold has passed from the sore throat/aching/shivering stage to the stage where I can't hear a thing and my head feels like it's been pumped full of cavity wall insulation. I've also managed to give myself a black eye. I was lifting a box down from a shelf in the shed when a plank of wood slipped and smashed into my right cheek bone. Painful. Really painful.

On top of all that, I guess I was feeling a bit jaded. It's hard not to get jaded by the world and the internet in particular. You put effort into things and hope that you'll hit a pocket of enthusiasm and people will reward you for your efforts. Instead, you tend to hit a pocket of abject indifference or casual hatred. The story that had triggered my 'sod it, I'm not bothering today' mood was over on Eurogamer. If you're not a gamer, please bear with me. It's an interesting story about a guy who runs an online channel devoted to his gaming. He's one of the thousands of people who record themselves gaming and interact with an audience as he does so. Sadly, some people can't appreciate what he's doing or feel a need to harm him for simply indulging in a passion. Some people have taken to playing a sick practical 'joke' on them, though joke is a word completely inappropriate for what they do. Having discovered the broadcaster's home address, they make a call to US authorities and make some huge claim such as it being the home to terrorists. Given that America is currently suffering a terrible militarisation of their police force, the police response usually involves heavily armed men breaking down doors and throwing smoke canisters. This kind of hoax is called 'swatting' and there are quite a few videos online where you can see gamers getting 'swatted'. The video yesterday wasn't of the actual raid but the guy's response to it. I found it heartbreaking.

I found it heartbreaking not simply because of the tears or the drama of his young brother opening a door on men pointing machine guns at his head. It was heartbreaking to think we live in a world when people go out of their way to hurt people who do nothing except try to bring a little pleasure into other people's lives. It reminded me of the Charlie Hebdo cartoonists. It reminded me of a program I watched recently about the theft of some Van Gogh paintings. It reminded me of that arsehole rapper (I know his name but I refuse to add to his fame by writing it) who tried to steal the limelight from Beck's Grammy award by invading the stage and demanding that the award should go to Beyonce. I suppose in some small way, it reminded me of the trouble I've been having with the Chinese hitting my blog with SPAM.

Anyway, that was yesterday. Today I intend to get back to things properly. I've no conquered the Chinese spammers by blocking the entire nation from accessing my server. I might even post a cartoon. I've been drawing quite a few recently, simply as a result of my doing a lot of work on The Gag Machine. Every day recently I've been adding new features which have emerged as obvious developments from my own use or as suggestions from the few people who use it and see to like how it helps them. Today I want to publish an update which contains all the new features. After that: I don't know. Prey for traffic and pray for cartoonists wanting to buy my software but, knowing my luck, I'll probably get swatted.

Sunday, 8 February 2015

And speaking of world leaders I'm in the mood to insult...


The Chinese Menace Revisited



I woke up this morning and, as I usually do, made it my first job of the day to check the web traffic. The numbers were quite high or, at least, higher than they've been recently, so I smiled and felt better about the world. A wash, a shave, a spot of breakfast later, I checked again and this time cast my eyes down the list of visitors. I began to wish I hadn't bothered to shave. My visitors were from the UK, then Germany, then China, then the US, then China, then China, then China, the US, China, China, Malta, China, China, the UK, the US, China, China, China... About half of the morning's visitors were from China. They've clearly not blocked me, despite my constant support for a free Tibet and taking every opportunity to mock their leadership. How many times must I mention that Xi Jinping likes to wear pink knitted sweaters and ballet pumps?

I don't have a problem with Chinese visitors reading my blog but I know these hits aren't from real Chinese visitors. Actually, now I come to think about it, I *never* get real Chinese visitors. These are Chinese computers hitting my server for reasons unknown and which makes me suspect that these machines up to no good. I've said it before and no doubt I'll say it again: China is already at war with the rest of the world. It's just that the rest of the world haven't been told by their respective governments.

Even as recently as a few years ago, Chinese SPAM was relatively rare. Russia was the main culprit. The last twelve months, though, China seem to have become the most maleficent force on the internet. I'm beginning to wonder if governments shouldn't actively get together and sever China's connection to the rest of the internet. In the meantime, I'm stuck adding blocks of IP addresses to my website's firewall to block further traffic. I know my statistics will plunge and will make me consider, yet again, quite why I bother writing a blog read by so few people, but this can't go on. The Chinese are playing a terribly cruel trick: they're making me think this blog is almost popular. Those evil devils!

No cartoons today. I've drawn three but now I have The Gag Machine working, I've been churning out good ideas and I intend to send a few off this week to see if I can get any of them published. Until they get rejected, they won't appear on the blog.

Saturday, 7 February 2015

An Atheist Trying To Think About God

Radical Rodent left a great comment last night and I found myself writing a response this morning which began with a couple of lines and then ran to a page and a half. If you're not interested in vague theological rambling, then I've also drawn a slightly less profound cartoon for today which you can see below. If you enjoy theological rambling, then excuse what follows for being heavy on the rambling and light on the learning. Though I largely agreed with what she'd said, I didn't know how much I agreed. I've never really tried to consciously write about my atheism, God or my sense of theology in a coherent way. This is probably my first attempt to do just that. The result is that I think I agreed with what Radical Rodent said about God but that's dependent on what we think of when we talk about God.

First of all, I think we'd probably agree that there's a difference between religion and theology. Religion is the localised interpretations of the big questions. There are various religions, each with a claim to being the 'one true religion' based on its age and number of followers. There are other religions which are unpopular, crazy or even parody. What this should tell us is that the human mind has a great capacity for creating myths. In a sense, it's what we're very good at. It's extremely easy for the brain to create something that quickly becomes too complex for our understanding. For example, we need only thing of an extremely large number. It's impossible to exactly comprehend what 3,383,382,383,942 different clowns would look like if they were sitting on each other's shoulders. Even if that were possible, you only have to keep multiplying that number by another big number and the clown could would eventually get too big. Religion is a bit like that. We create something of such logical and lexical complexity that we then spend centuries arguing about the detail when never actually addressing whether the 3,383,382,383,942 different clowns exist.

So, I'm not going to do that because there's nothing I can do to refute all that. It will always come down to an a priori statement that I believe in something that I can't prove. However, I'd qualify that by saying that I certainly don't believe in a God that's a God as presented to use through the human imagination. Here I think I'm agreeing with you. However, I think Stephen Fry might also agree with you. You attack him because you think he hates God because of guilt. I really think that's a small reason for hating God and, besides, I think Fry doesn't hate God. That would presume belief. His question was a hypothetical one and his answer, through small and (perhaps) 'shallow', was merely an on-the-spot answer which we shouldn't turn into something more significant.

All of which comes back down to the question: what God do I believe in? Well, 'God' is a problematic word if we mean a self-conscious entity who lives somehow above/within/around us, observing us and capable of intervening in our business. That 'God' I don't believe exists. However, just because I don't believe in that kind of God, doesn't mean that I don't think that we're without a transcendental authority. Dostoevsky was pithy but he was also wrong when he wrote that 'if God does not exist, everything is permitted'. It's why I'm not convinced by the argument that 'without God there is no sin'. God didn't create sin. Man created sin or, rather, sin was made in us. Sin is part of our psychological makeup in the form of taboos that have existed in our cultures since our earliest ancestors. All cultures have taboos and you don't need a holy text to tell us what we should or should not do.

I believe that the universe is guided by simple laws of nature which, when combined in their multiple millions, produce something that is extremely complex. So complex, indeed, that it begins to resemble what we think of as God. If God is that manyfold expression of simple rules, then I would accept the existence of a 'God'. But that God is not self-conscious or in any way in our image. It is simply the very form of the universe itself which is forever beyond our comprehension. We are simply in awe of its majesty and that, I think, is the only true religious position to take.

It also, I would add, provides a framework by which we can assert a kind of morality. If I understood it more than I do, I'd probably be a fan of some kind of logicism of in which everything from maths to morality is reduced to simple logic. What I tend to believe is that time moves forward and matter has a tendency towards entropy. If the Big Bang was an act of creation and the heat death of the universe one of destruction, then nature has in itself a kind of moral code. Things which tend towards disassembling the universe are bad. Things that maintain or create structure are good. That's pretty much how I view the world around me.

We should be encouraged to create, to retain history, and to be positive towards our fellow human beings. Wars are always bad but sometimes necessary if they save us from greater ruin. Anything that restricts our freedom is bad but, at the same time, certain types of freedom can do us greater harm and we should guard ourselves against them. Compassion is also good because it produces civil society and holds back the forces that would threaten to tear us apart. In all, I think it's not that different to a religious morality but without all the hokum about loaves and fishes and voices in the clouds.

As for the comparison with 'dark matter', I think it's a poor analogy. Dark matter is a hypothesis reached by following a rational process of inquiry. If that rational process should disprove the existence of dark matter or should no evidence be found, the theory dark matter will be thrown away. The existence of God, in the many forms forwarded by the many religions, has been reached through no rational process and no rational process will ever dissuade believers from believing.

That, I guess, is my uneducated and rambling thought about God. It's deep enough for me and anything deeper becomes the subject of elbow gazing: pointless, self-defeating, and, ultimately, a waste of our God-given time.

 

A Cartoon I Won't Explain


Friday, 6 February 2015

Humanists shouldn't apologize for being human

My throat is sore, my joints are aching, and I'm shivering. I also lack the energy to coat my words in sugar so let me just hammer this keyboard and see what comes out for the next thousand plus words.

I'm writing from my sickbed because I just want to know what the hell is it with apologies today. Tristram Hunt has been apologising to nuns, Channel 4's Cathy Newman has apologised because she might or not have been turfed out of a London mosque, and I've just noticed that Stephen Fry has apologised lest his comments about God had somehow upset Christians.

I'm not sure what annoys me the most: that three eminently rational people felt obliged to apologise to believers in dogmatic nonsense or that believers in dogmatic nonsense should be so sensitive to insult that they demand an apology whenever their beliefs are questioned. At least two out of the three opinions shouldn't warrant an apology and I'm not entirely convinced that Cathy Newman has much to feel ashamed about either.

I'd previously thought it commendable that all three showed a little independent spirit and expressed opinions that many people would quietly share. Whether you like him or loathe him, Stephen Fry spoke undiluted sense and did so in a way the expressed the compassion as befit a true humanist. What's so wrong about questioning God about the suffering of children? In fact, I see no point in making this point any further. If a person is misguided enough to believe that the world is flat, then no empirical data will alter their opinion since we're clearly dealing with a matter of psychology rather than intellect. And belief in religion is precisely that. It is not a belief in empirical data. It's a state of mind like ecstasy or depression which might one day be entirely unlocked by science but, for now, remains an unexplored realm of organic chemistry.

Instead, let me just talk about Tristram Hunt who admirably let his political blandness slip a little in order to question the right of anybody to teach children without proper teaching qualifications. It was a moment of passion and revealed more character than some of the charlatans we usually see peddling the party line on Question Time. Despite the notion that Conservatives are somehow for the privileged elite, it's been a long time since they were advocates of the intellectual elite. At least since Thatcher's day, they have actively promoted the destruction of the professional classes, constantly trying to introduce less qualified people into hospitals, schools, the army, the police force, as well as the judicial system. It wasn't that long as since they floated the notion of non-qualified teaching assistants taking lessons. Just a couple of days ago, I noticed that they wanted to reduce the time it takes doctors to train as consultants. It fits perfectly into their long established practice of cheapening costs at the expense of quality. Tristram Hunt never attacked nuns. Nuns obviously have the right to teach providing they have teaching qualifications. Yet it seems patently absurd to say that somebody has the right to teach children simply because they've chosen a life devoted to God. In many ways, such irrationality should invalidate them from teaching children. If I walked into the local primary school and declared 'I'm been chosen by the spirit of the late Sir Alec Guinness to spread his message of love, hope, and the Jedi mind trick, now lead me to your infants!' what kind of response would I get? At the very least, I'd expect a restraining order to keep me away from the school but, in truth, I should really be sectioned under the mental health act as a danger to the community.

As for Cathy Newman, whether she was 'ushered out' of the mosque or simply turned away, she was making a valid point about the discrepancy that exists between the values of a modern liberal democratic society and a culture in which woman are routinely treated as second class citizens. At the worst, you could argue that she set out seeking to make a story in the sensitive period of time after the Charlie Hebdo massacre, though you could also argue that is precisely what journalists do and that was a valid time to do it. People have predictably accused her of stoking racial tension but the tension isn't and shouldn't be seen as racial. It's the debate that needs to had about mutually exclusive mindsets, one of which expresses the right of every individual to live their life free from religious persecution and the other which actively promotes religious persecution towards non-believers. It's an important debate that needs to be heard and not dismissed by conflating it with incendiary topic of racism. To do so genuinely promotes racism. Indeed, the rise of UKIP is not simply a sad reflection on the rise of the political right in British politics. It's a shameful expression of how there's been a lack of intelligent debate in the centre ground. If the Tories can be accused of destroying education, health and pretty much every other area of our 'elitist' culture through their obsession with market forces, it's to the great shame of the Labour Party that, for at least a decade, they routinely avoided questions about immigration and integration by accusing their opponents of racism, as they did to great 'success' in the 2005 general election.

Yet all three examples demonstrate a problem we have in society. It seems to be borne out of the rise of social media, where debates become polarised into 'issues'. It's ironic how in the early days of social media it was heralded for increasing our freedom. The 'Arab Spring' (remember that?) was seen as a victory for social media in which enlightened youth in tyrannical regimes could organise themselves so they might express a belief in intellectual and personal freedoms. How naive that all seems now that social media has turned into a bully's playground, where free speech is routinely shut down by organised campaigns which the newspaper shamefully promote as the latest 'Twitter outrage'.

People are forced to apologies simply because they haven't the energy to expend in argument against the vitriolic thousands. I sense that Fry apologized because it's the easiest thing to do, Hunt undoubtedly apologized for political reasons, and Newman probably apologized since she clearly values her job more than she is willing to invest time in an arguably weak case.

Before my energy runs out, let me ask: what's wrong with a good old fashioned difference of opinion? It is your right to practice any belief so long as you do so peacefully and without restricting another person's fundamental right to hold a entirely contradictory belief. In a free society, men should be allowed to have men only mosques as women should are allowed to have woman only Tupperware parties or sit around chatting about Fifty Shades of Grey. As abhorrent as I find Marine Le Pen and George Galloway, as ridiculous as I find a Christian fundamentalist preacher or a fanatical imam: they all have the same right to speak. I might feel a little prickly whenever I see a woman wearing a headscarf or veil but I also defend their right to do so if it's truly their choice.

The notion of freedom of expression is inherently simple. Everybody has the right to be offended by an opinion but nobody should feel obliged to apologise for what they think. Inciting violence towards others is, of course, the point at which this abstract concept becomes a matter of practical law. If one were to believe utterly in freedom, one would maintain a distinction between words and actions. However, to do so is to believe that humans are somehow rational beings. We're not. It's what makes us so interesting and capable or great beauty as well as terrible evil. The best we can ever hope for is a kind of clamorous riot in which we all walk away unscathed but slightly more enlightened.

Today we had three people contributing to that clamorous riot but walking away looking a little bruised. That's not how it should be in a free society. The fact they apologized actually shames us all.

Cough, Cough, Splutter...




Damn, my luck never changes. Today I'm feeling properly rotten! Sore throat, shivery, weak, aching... I guess I've come down with a cold, which is too quick for it to be from the hospital yesterday so was obviously a surprise gift from the woman who sneezed over me at the Post Office two days ago. I had something better than this almost written for today but I'm not in a fit state to finish it. Instead, here's a cartoon I drew last night and for which I can't think of a better caption. Mark this one down as a cartoon that doesn't quite work...

Yesterday was strange. My experience of the NHS is that when you expect them to do something, they do nothing. When you expect them to do nothing, they do something. We expected nothing but my sister's appointment lasted nearly half an hour. Turns out that after waiting six months for test results, we now have to wait again. The local GP had botched two samples six months ago and one hadn't arrived at the labs and the other was in the wrong container. So, we now have to start again. The positive was that we actually had a sympathetic consultant who gave a fairly broad indication of what the problem might be. Of course, with the NHS there is now a high chance that when we go to the next appointment, we won't see the same doctor and the whole thing will have to start from scratch.

I'm really delighted that a couple of you have already made use of the Amazon search box. I really can't thank you enough. It's a fantastic way of helping support the blog and my work without donating or costing you anything that you wouldn't have already spent at Amazon. Of course, anything already in your basket doesn't get credited as a referral, but if you click on the Amazon link before you begin your shopping, the small percentage of the referral fee will help me immensely. So, if I could also encourage you to buy extremely reasonable items like Organic Baeri Sturgeon Caviar from Pyrenees and an extremely tasteful Allurez 4.31ct 18k Two-tone Rose Gold GIA Certified Oval Shape Natural Fancy Pink Diamond Ring, that would be wonderful and would actually give me a small crumb of comfort as I sit here trying to work despite this raging throat and aching bones. Simply type 'Organic Baeri Sturgeon Caviar' or 'Allurez 4.31ct 18k Two-tone Rose Gold' into the box in the top right corner and let Amazon do the rest.

Okay. I need hot lemon and chicken soup. Did I mention that I feel rotten?

Thursday, 5 February 2015

Computer Puzzle: Expert Help Needed

So here's a question for which I can't find an obvious answer.

I keep getting hits on the blog from Beijing, China. The IP address is around the area of 123.125.71.21. The hits happen at all times of the day, sometimes minutes but often hours apart. They look at individual pages, sometimes once or sometimes two or three times. Sometimes they've made multiple visits.

None of that is interesting. However, when I posted my blog post about my Tim Marshall letter this afternoon, I got a hit on the page immediately. That is also uninteresting until I tell you the puzzling part. I got the hit before I'd even made the page public.

Screenshot_1

How did somebody in China look at a page I hadn't yet made public and I'd only that minute titled? The only answer I can come up with is that the hit has something to do with my machine. Yet if that's the case, what on my machine is communicating with Beijing, China? I've uninstalled all plugins from my browser thinking they might be routing something through China. I've also run a full virus scan on my PC and come up with nothing. I've now changed my blog password yet the Chinese hits are still coming in. They're don't seem to be linked to my browsing habits but, if not, what's with China? Have they hacked the blog? The network? My internet provider? How the hell did they get access to a page that wasn't public and which only I could know about?

Answers, please, on a postcard, in the comments, or via email, for the attention of 'Seriously Paranoid cc The Chinese Secret Police'.

The Tim Marshall Letter

Apropos of almost nothing: is there a more annoying song than 'Things Can Only Get Better' by D:Ream feat Professor Brian Cox? I didn't actually know Cox was in the band until he was talking about it in The Independent this morning. I'd forgot how annoying that song is, though not musically. I mean the lyric: 'things can only get better'. It's a terrible song for a political party to adopt as its anthem. It's like saying, 'we can't do much worse than the last lot', though, obviously, there's always room for things to get worse. I would have thought a professor of astrophysics would have realised. Unless we're talking about the complete heat death of the universe, there's always a 'worse' direction for entropy to go.

Right. Glad I got that off my chest. I was slightly reluctant to blog today simply because I didn't want to push my previous post down the page. I rarely look at anything I've done and think it particularly good. I don't believe a person can ever gets real satisfaction from their own work until enough time has passed for them to forget the process by which they arrived at the finished article. You write what you know about and therefore nothing you read back to yourself can be much of surprise. Yet having said that, my previous blog post is one of my favourites. I think I dug deep enough to find some genuine blood and spit.

It's been a week and I've still not heard back from James Harding, aka 'Harding the Hack', aka the honcho in the chief's poncho down at BBC News. It's a nervous wait though I can't separate that mild nervousness from a deeper dread since I'm waiting to go to the hospital where my sister has an appointment to see a consultant. I expect nothing from the appointment other than a sense of frustration. However, deep breath and hope for the best.

In the meantime, I might as well post my original James Harding letter here so as to keep my records in order. The story so far: Tim Marshall announced that he'd left Sky News and I was determined to do something about it so I dusted off my Stan Madeley mask and once again became my alter ego as the UK's top Richard Madeley lookalike and cabaret chisel thrower to the stars.


Wednesday, 4 February 2015

50 Shades of Moronic: Sex, Culture and the Jackass Jihad

If this planet had an ejector seat and if I hadn't already pressed the red button a long time ago, then I'd be hammering the little bugger right now.

For millennia, artists have tried to imagine what the End of Days would look like. From the splendor of Michelangelo's Last Judgment to the nightmare visions of Hieronymus Bosch and Pieter Bruegel, they had the entire gamut of hellish ends covered. Or so they probably thought. Yet not one of them ever bothered to include Phillip Schofield in their little festival of doom. Not one of them thought to paint the day when the gates of Hell would open up and the grey-haired incubus came forth to reap souls whilst giggling and grinning and acting so damn virtuous and up for fun.

Because let's face some hard facts: Phillip Schofield is an odious little prick. He's Mr Sunshine and Candypop. He's the clean TV smile, nice with the ladies, not an offensive bone in his perfectly proportioned TV body. Yet there he is hosting a feature about sadomasochistic sex at ten o'clock on an ITV morning. And why is he hosting a feature about sadomasochistic sex at ten o'clock on an ITV morning? Because 50 Shades of Grey has just been released as a feature film and that nasty little show feels obliged to promote that nasty little film based on that nasty little novel.

I've written before about the pornification of our culture but whether you're for that or against it, it's the snivelling hypocrisy that I can't abide. It's the chuckling and the playful giggling and pretending to act a little shocked as he's taught about bondage for beginners by some middle class Annabelle, a so-called 'sexpert', whose claim to fame seems to be a line of vibrating knickers available at Amazon. This is TV made for the Daily Mail generation: people who claim to be disgusted at the very same time as they're voyeuristically enjoying the intimate details of a person's private life. They're the moral guardians who seem to have more of an interest in the prurient details of sleaze than the very worst pornographer to whom the whole thing has become a boring flaccid reality. It's TV made by people who have no moral code. They have no notion of decency. They simply want to drive standards down and turn everybody into the same type of vapid consumerist arsehole you see crowding the fast lane into every cheap burger drive-through on their way to a pseudo-American sized coronary.

What kind of witless desk cracker comes up with this stuff? No doubt it's some snivelling wine bar Charlotte  with a glandular filofax and a hectic social life, shuffling between meetings with promoters and agents and advertisers and who never once looks at her own life and sees it for the abyss of moral turpitude it really is. She is well paid and happy in what she does because she can afford veneered hardwood floors and chandeliers that hang over the long dining table in her cramped London flat. It's a shallow life of fifty shades of shallow dream and even shallower outcomes. The product of her life is a society that is more indolent, less educated, but ever more subservient to Chinese corporate capital and vapid American stupidity which passes for internet culture.

Oh Lord! How far have we fallen! Monday 29 June 1987 was a terribly dark day in our country's history. That was the day when the 1972 Broadcasting Act was obliterated by the second Thatcher government. 'Thatcher Thatcher the Milk Snatcher' snatched educational TV away from the children and put it on in the hands of the capitalists who promised to maintain standards. To think that we scoffed at the ITV of my youth. From morning to lunch, it was devoted to educational shows. At school, our teacher would wheel in the big cathode ray TV and plug it in so we could all cram around and watch ITV schools programmes on the amazing 22 inch colour screen. The whole timetable was set so we could catch the start of yet another rerun of 'How We Used To Live' or ' Stop, Look, Listen'. Compare that with the current diet of nipple clamps and men who ejaculate 100 times a day or the woman with the world's biggest tits. Now seriously try to tell me that we've not regressed as both a country and a society.

We live in a world of freakshow everything. Yesterday ISIS burn a captured Jordanian to death in a cage over a pool of oil and we wonder from where that sickness might derive. It derives from a world that has lost all sense of moral limit because, make no mistake, this wasn't simply a rehash of punishments written in ancient texts. That was murder by psychopaths who are deeply entrenched in the Youtube generation. That was death as a meme and it is so toxic because it is so pervasive. It extends beyond the reach of censors or nations or even the choice of individuals. It's the horrific images that appear unbidden in your inbox or pop up behind your current screen or in your Twitter feed. It is a sickening death culture that becomes tomorrow's animated GIF or the comic trope on some forum where the juvenile mix with the serious deranged. This is murder by men who sit around imagining their next outrage in exactly the same way that teenagers try to imagine up the next stunt they can play for their Youtube subscribers. What we are witnessing is the Jackass Jihad.

And yet we in the West think that it's all very 'over there' and somehow we're better than that, whilst never once recognising that those extreme ends might have begun here at home. They say that the British Jihadists are some of the worst and most brutal. Maybe it's wrong and simply misguided to draw a causal link between those brutal acts and the decline of our culture. Yet the truth is that we have allowed our TV to descend even further into the bastardly and the bland where only the gratuitous gimmick is noticed and given time.

Meanwhile the wine bar Charlottes turn up on TV to extol the virtues of spanking and it's just a little bit of fun to break the tedium of the morning. Yet the pattern is set. Big tits this week is the guy with the enormous penis next week. There's playful giggling and claims that it's educational. But the truth is that it's a sickening demonstration of what we've become. It's shock for the sake of being shocking. It is a despicable form of exploitation given a veneer of 'niceness' by Schofield who seems quite happy to be part of this spectacle so long as it continues to fund his new wine and food twitter channel.

Well, excuse my language but fuck Philip Schofield's wine and food channel. Whatever rights Philip Schofield had to portray himself as sophisticated doyen of London society were lost the moment he signed on to represent bitch-slap TV.

A Public Apology

As you can see, there's now a donate button but I feel like I need to apologise. I don't want you to feel like I'm suddenly shuffling up to you, tin cup in hand, and making a nuisance of myself. The most important thing to me is ensuring that anybody who reads this blog regularly will keep reading this blog regularly. If you've read me long enough, you'll know that I'm not the super slick corporate type who only wants you for your money. I've blogged for nearly ten years without a button. I've added it simply to make that option available to anybody who feels a sudden upsurge of generosity. Perhaps they've suddenly come into millions and want to spread the love. Perhaps they genuinely like something I've done. I don't know... I just figure that without that button, I'd never know.

The horrible part of this is knowing that you'll be thinking 'Damn, I suppose he's now waiting for me to donate'. I'm not. I'd feel really ashamed if the appearance of the button made anybody feel like that. I'd feel double ashamed if it suddenly received donations from regular readers. The button is simply there for the future instances when something I've written has particularly touched a somebody or made them laugh. It's for the times when my Rotring advice has saved a person the cost of buying new pens. It's just a punt which might earn me enough one month to save me from the breadline. They say that artists are always poor. I'm poor but I don't consider myself much of an artist. I simply do what I do because I love doing it. Without writing and cartooning, I'd be nothing. The donate button is an attempt to stop myself becoming nothing.

So, that's all I'll say on it. I'll try not to mention it again. I hope it doesn't offend anybody. I hope you just understand that I'd be stupid not to try every avenue that might raise a little income.

A Doodle About a Drunk Called Larry



A late night doodle based on a late night idea. In other words: the kind of thing I draw when I'm tired in order to keep my mind busy. I'm not sure if it's a cartoon. I makes me smile but I find my tastes are becoming even more peculiar. It's probably not finished but this is as finished as I'll take it. Yesterday was a really bad day on the blog despite three updates. Today my email account was overloaded with SPAM, most of it about tinnitus. Overnight the blog received 12 comments. All of them in Spanish which Google mangles into such unreadable English that I have no idea what they're about. Really dissuades me from blogging today.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Despicable Things

Nearly knocked off my bike today. A guy in a black Fiat came flying around a blind corner which had been reduced to one lane due to parking. It meant he was in my lane and because he hadn't waited to see if there was traffic, he drove straight at me. There was a horrifying moment when I could see that I was in his blind spot. The pillar at the edge of his windscreen was obliterating his face so I knew it was also obscuring me. Not that he seemed to care. When he did see me, he didn't slow down. By that point, I've swerved to the edge of the road, my wheel had hit the edge of paving, and I'd gone flying across the verge whilst screaming obscenities. Didn't catch the number plate. Black car. Fat guy in his thirties. Despicable type.

**

Had a peculiar SPAM comment tonight. The English was broken and the link to their website clearly meant to get people to visit a lousy shop but the message was just insulting. Not sure what to make of it. It was almost a real comment in its abrasive quality but not the kind of comment right minded bloggers would want to publish. A sad part of blogging is having to wade through the hundreds of SPAM comments falsely praising you. Having to wade through comments that just tell you that you and your work are  worthless is something I'm not sure I want to get used to. Despicable business.

**

Unlocking my bike outside the local Tesco today, I heard two female voices behind me.

Female one: 'Oh, so was it your boyfriend?'

Female two: 'No, it was one of my exes.'

You might think there's nothing unusual in that and I thought exactly the same thing. Then I turned around and found myself looking at two schoolgirls who weren't much older than twelve. Twelve years old and she's already talking about her exes. Despicable world.

**

What was shocking about Isis incinerating the Jordanian pilot was that it wasn't so shocking. There are few forms of human barbarism that weren't described in our most sacred texts. Despicable people. Despicable evil.

**

Drawn a Valentines card to send to somebody as a joke. Now contemplating using it to send Valentines cards to a few other places. Not sure what I'd get from that except a sense of amusement. Not sure who to send them to. When the Tories were last in opposition, I once sent the entire Shadow cabinet Valentines cards (about 12 cards, I think), though I also signed them and gave them a return address. I believe only one replied (Caroline Spelman) which, I think, says everything you need to know about politicians. Despicable manners.

**

Finally worked out how to put a donate button on this blog. I might do it tomorrow. I have quite a few tutorials on here which have proved popular and which some visitors have told me helped them and saved them quite a few quid. Perhaps they'll show a little generosity and help me in return. Nothing ventured nothing gained and times are extremely tough. Last chance saloon and all that. Despicable desperation.

How Do I Open A New Blog?

The new banner has making me rethink my whole blogging operation and I'm not sure what to do. Hence my writing this blog post in the hope that somebody might have a bright idea.

I'm tempted to ditch 'The Spine' identity. I chose that blog title nearly 10 years ago and it's been as useful as it's also been really unhelpful. I don't like it when people call me 'The Spine' because it sounds a pretentious thing to call yourself. I've never liked that whole side of the internet were ordinary folk call themselves 'OrcRanger' or 'NightshadeBladder'. At the best it sounds juvenile. At worst, slightly psychotic. I've never actually identified myself as 'The Spine'. That was just the blog I write and it was only called 'The Spine' because it was originally meant to be a satirical news blog filled with backbone. Then, as it moved to become my own blog, I changed it to mean 'spine' as in 'thorn'. It was meant to be sharp and prickly.  Now I'm not sure what it means.

I want a change because I particularly get annoyed that some people still confuse me with 'The Spine blogger', an infinitely more popular blogger than I'll ever be. She/he has been writing a blog about orthopaedics (I know!) since 2009 (I started to blog in January 2006) and the appeal of that blog just baffles me. The latest post alone has 134 comments! I'd make deals with the devil to get that kind of following. That one post has more comments than I get in an entire year of writing/drawing a blog post every single day. It's the kind of statistic that just makes me want to give up because it makes me realise how little popular 'magic' I have. I'm either a personality free zone (very likely) or I'm just not intelligent enough (certainly true). I know I jump around too much. My blogging follows my interests and projects, though satire, comedy and my love of writing, has always been somewhere in the mix.

In addition to The Spine Blogger, I have other identity confusions on Twitter. The only time people talk to me there is when they confuse me with The Spine, Britain's most brutal race. Messages to me usually read '@TheSpine nearly killed me today'  or '@TheSpine is evil', neither of which refer to me but refer to the 268 mile race. It's really annoying being less popular that the abstract concept of a long distance mountain race that leaves people needing hospital treatment.

All of which makes me think it might be time to change my blog around. I want to move to a blog that more closely identifies with me and not this mysterious 'Spine' character which I've never really played at all. I think if people think 'Ah, I'll visit David Waywell's blog', they might see me as a real person and not as this strangely disconnected voice coming from behind an oddly named blog. Because, the truth be told, I write this blog because I like talking to people and I like people talking to me. I write it to make friends and, truth also be told, I make very few.

So, I'm not sure how I might do this. If I moved to a more suitable domain name, I wouldn't get the traffic this blog gets each day simply on account of it having been around so long. Google wouldn't be so kind because my Pagerank would reset to the lowest. Could I link two blogs under one domain? Should I change the name of this blog even if that doesn't match the domain name? Should I post to two sites concurrently? I have no idea if I'll do this but I'm sick of being the least successful 'Spine' around. I think it would be rejuvenating being the most successful version of me that I can manage given my limited ability and resources.

The question is: how to do this right and not find myself sitting on this side of a blog that would lucky to get three hits a day?

When God Met Stephen Fry

The response to Stephen Fry's rant against God has been telling. What Fry said about God wasn't exactly profound. It was no more than I'd hope any articulate atheist, agnostic, or even believer would ask when faced by their maker. What he said was a pretty standard attack on the cruelty of God and has been expressed so many times before to make this latest example seem pretty trivial. The reason it isn't trivial, however, is that it was expressed by Stephen Fry and some people's response seems to be one that would prefer if we phrase the question a different way. What would God say to Stephen Fry? Would God ask: what was it like working on The Hobbit? How did you get so many Twitter followers? Are you really as all knowing as you seem on QI or do you have the answers piped into your ear?

It's perhaps a symptom of the terminal decline of intellect in our postmodern hyper-celebrity-adoring age that even a mediocre attack on religion should receive such coverage. When a philosopher makes a sustained attack on God, their words are rarely reported and, certainly, never reported at such length. Richard Dawkins is quite possibly the most outspoken, well known, and 'followed' atheist of the moment and yet even his outbursts never receive such prominence, even in the broadsheets.

Again, it would appear that we are less interested in what somebody says and more concerned with the person saying it. It's a psychological response to how we view our fellow men and women. I know it myself because I'm not immune to doing the same thing. How I think about, for example, Ralph Steadman is very different to how I think about some anonymous cartoonist whose work I find on the web and whose style I particularly like. Steadman has an authority which the other cartoonist lacks and there has to be a process of familiarisation before another cartoonist becomes, in my eyes, quite so canonical.

The same is true of writers. I might read something by Will Self and enjoy it but it means something different to an article which doesn't have such a high profile name attached. There's something in 'celebrity' or, at least, 'being known' that carries an air of authority. Stephen Fry's rant about God was an authoritative  pronouncement that is far more significant than any learned paper written by a respected but little known professor of theology. It was significant because we know everything about Fry and this latest pronouncement fits into that known background. His is a life narrative being written in the public space. This latest event is a twist in that tale.

The reasons for this are probably layered into the collective psychology our society. It has something to do with the explosion of communication that happened over the past half a century. There is simply too much communication and no single person can ever hope to hear it all. Celebrity is the function that filters out the noise. Yet lost in the noise is the articulate and sane, the wise and the learned. All we hear are the trivial but loud. And that's where the problem lies. Stephen Fry's words, whilst neither dumb nor particularly profound, were loud. They were loud simply because he is Stephen Fry. His voice booms louder than any other. Louder too, it seems, than the voice of God.

If I met God, I think my first question would be: why did you create Stephen Fry? But, then, I suspect God might be thinking the same thing.

Yet if there is a God, then perhaps it was God who brought mugging victim Alan Barnes to the public's attention. God moves in mysterious ways and, in this instance, the mysterious way was beautician Katie Cutler who set up the appeal to help the sixty seven year old after he was knocked to the ground by a mugger resulting in a broken collar bone. The fund was aiming to raise £500 but currently stands at £322,899 with 24,322 raising that money in only 5 days.

Yet God didn't work quite so mysteriously in the case of Paul Kohler who was 'savagely' beaten by four burglars. He was in the papers this last week after four Polish immigrants were jailed for the assault which left the university lecturer with a fractured eye socket, jawbone, nose and his facial bruising was so bad that he was unrecognisable.

There are, of course, stark differences between the two cases and a clear reason why Mr Barnes' story touched the nation's heart as well as its purse strings. Yet is it right to ask what kind of God would make Mr Barnes suffer a life with his disabilities but wrong to ask why the media highlighted one case over all the other sad stories that routinely pass for reality?

Nobody asks that because none of it ultimately means anything. Even the loudest bray of stupidity ends like the utterance of the wisest thinker. It's all meaningless noise and life is just one hellish lottery played by a blindfolded gambler with the odds stacked very much against him.

Monday, 2 February 2015

A Gag Machine Update

It's only been a week or so but I'm already delighted with people's response to The Gag Machine. It's also been great/surprising/motivating to hear back from real users. Google's engine has now kicked in and hits are steady and slowly growing. Actually having sales also means that I can now justify the time to update The Gag Machine with new features.

That's the reason why the first big update has just gone live and I think it's my favourite since I started. I'd originally conceived 'The Gag Machine' as a small tool to use beside other software. However, when a user emailed to suggest that I make it full screen, I realised that it would give me chance to really expand its functionality. This new update introduces an optional full screen mode which has really pleased me with how it's turned out. I might be the coder behind this project but primarily I'm its chief user and I'm excited with anything that helps me come up with more ideas for my cartoons or stories. Before I extend the functionality even more, my next job will be to come up with more 'gag packs'. The key behind this project is definitely the data. I've already discovered that the more selective the data, the better and more consistent the results.

Anyway, to mark this new update, I've made a shorter introduction video covering the basic functions of The Gag Machine.



Of course, if you've downloaded an earlier version (or are one of the enlightened people who have so kindly supported me by buying it), then please download the latest version and give it a try. Ideas and suggestions are always welcome. If you think this could be software for you but it's missing some key component, then please email me your suggestions. I'm looking to make this useful to anybody who wants to use it.

A Rare Stan Hit




I rarely get hits from people Googling for 'Stan Madeley' so when I do send out a Stan letter, I keep an eye out for hits. It's usually a bad sign. It means that a letter has been read, questions raised, and then a web search has resulted in a letter going straight into the bin. Well, I tried my best, though on reflection, why Sky Broadband and not the usually BBC IP address? Perhaps there's still chance I'll get a reply...

The Joke Machine Perhaps

Worked on a cartoon last night but fell asleep before I could finish it. It means that I'm a bit light on material to post today and I've a dozen things to do so I haven't time to write a long essay on the newly discovered Michelangelo bronzes or 50 Shades of Grey or Stephen Fry and God or any of the things currently in the news. Shortly I'll have to nip out to Tesco to see if my nemesis is on the till. Before then, I have code to write.

Over the weekend, The Gag Machine underwent a little update. Unlike a lot of software which is written by people who don't use it for people who need it, The Gag Machine is written by the person who needs it and offered to people who might want it. It's why I'm happy to leave it as a quiet backwater of the internet. I've not yet mastered it enough myself that I'd want *every* cartoonist buying it and using it. The key seems to be finding the magic number of words to combine in an idea. It can work with up to seven fields but two seems to be the best for quick ideas when I'm really tired. Early in the day, three and four can work really well.

I'm just finishing the new update which has added a full screen function, which means I have more screen real estate to deal with and extra functions to write. I'm eager to spend some time using it this afternoon but an American friend suggests I change the name since he thought gag had something to do with strangulation. I have to rethink websites and logos. The Joke machine might have been a better title but I don't know if I can be bothered changing it now. Not when I have so much to do and one pair of hands is about four hands too few.