Tuesday, 17 February 2015

In Other Sphincter News...

There's was story over at The Independent yesterday about a guy who took part in the Carnaval del Toro in Spain over the weekend. The Carnaval del Toro, should you not know or guess, is when they run bulls through the streets and everybody gets to act like Billy Crystal in 'City Slickers'.

Except this year there was one guy who didn't get to act like Billy Crystal. This year a guy was caught by the bull and severely gored. Now, this isn't particularly interesting. It's predictable and I'd even argue that it's not particularly newsworthy. What is interesting is the way The Independent chose to report the story. The sub-headline read:
Mr Miller underwent a three-hour long surgery after being gored multiple times and receiving wounds to his thigh, sphincter and back.

Now, you might want to read that again just in case you missed the key word hidden in the middle. Yes. That's right. He was gored through his sphincter or, to use a less medical term, he caught a horn up his arsehole.

That is a terrible thing to imagine and obviously would be more terrible to experience but I can't help but think that the whole article turns around the word 'sphincter'. It's like the journalists really want to shout 'he caught a horn up the chuff!' but really can't lest they sound callous or lowbrow. Not that it makes a jot of difference. Not one of the comments below the article gave the poor guy even an ounce of sympathy, which I suppose is to be expected. Bull fighting is a brutal business. However, getting a bull's horn up your arse is even more brutal. You have to feel for the guy. I mean: can they even reconstruct a sphincter?

That, when you think about it, is going to be one odd line of business. Does some kid in medical school consciously think they'd like to get into sphincter reconstruction surgery? I guess it's a branch of proctology, which is another thing that often baffles me. When I make a list of things that interest me, the human arse (with a few obvious exceptions) is not high on my list. What motivates a proctologist to get up in the morning? I sometimes can't face a day starting at my computer screen. I can't imagine what life is life for somebody facing a day spent staring at a thing I recently heard described as the 'rusty sheriff's badge'.

But I digress. I hope the guy and his sphincter make a full recovery and finally get to act like Billy Crystal, perhaps with a film to follow. 'Running Scared', perhaps. 'Monster Pink'. 'Anal-yze That'? Maybe even '61*' which isn't so much a pun as a visual joke if you think about it long enough.

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