Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Lemon Water

Still no news from the editor so my 1400 were clearly not the best 1400 I’ve ever written. I’m left sitting here wondering if there was too much style or not enough. Perhaps my style doesn’t make me publishable. I don’t know… It’s just another last hope to throw on the ever growing bonfire of my vanity.

Today I’m overwhelmed with work, not least the effort of keeping my inbox clear. I’ve been inundated with SPAM coming to me for the British Thong Society. As the society’s chairman, secretary, and web designer, I get plenty of emails but rarely any that make any sense. I really have better things to do…

Tomorrow I have the dentist but today I’m trying to move a website from a web server in the heart of Nigeria to one based in the UK. The UK end of the operation has been straightforward but getting the website files off the Nigerian server is proving to be a nightmare that might eventually require the UN to fly in peacekeepers. The website I’m moving is barely 150mb so I created a zipped archive on the remote server which I thought it should be easy to download. Three hours later, it’s still crawling along at 0mbs per second (I guess the speed is so low that it’s registering as 0) with about 90mb remaining.

FergieHowever, it at least allows me to deal with other things. I’m rushing late, as usual, to provide a cartoon for the next issue of Red All Over The Land (last night’s caricature is an unfinished panel from that strip) and I’ve also written something for The Pangolin, which needs to be proofread.

Before I do any of that, I really need to finish yesterday’s discussion about viscous dogs.

I suspected that chief ninja Elberry would know what to do with a devil dog and he emailed late last night to inform me that he has been handling attack hounds all his life. He doesn’t go into much detail about jujitsu choke holds but he at least offered some suggestions about the proper equipment:
As for weaponry, i would advise pepper spray - i wouldn't try and use an expandable baton (i had one in Manchester, for chavs) as dogs are more or less impervious to blows when they're fully charged, which is why you have to take them out immediately.


If you really dislike dogs and they are a danger, i would get a small water pistol, fill it with water or lemon juice, and carry it somewhere you can draw it quickly. Dogs really don't like being sprayed. Tape the handle and leaking areas with gaffer tape to stop it spilling on you, like Michael Corleone's gun in The Godfather restaurant scene.

So there you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth, or since we’re talking The Godfather, straight from the mouth of the decapitated horse as it lies between your satin sheets. If you meet me in the street and wonder what that scented patch of damp trouser around my crotch, it’s only my snub nosed water pistol leaking lemon water. Of course, when dogs attack I need to learn to make my first reaction one of dropping my trousers. Not sure this is sensible given my need to flee but there’s really no point in consulting the experts if you don’t follow their advice.


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