Thursday, 7 May 2015

Macramé is my passion

Well, that's me finished with politics. Washed my hands of the stinking business. I've learned one important lesson from this election and it's that no bugger cares. I've done some pretty unpopular things in my day (held a Twitter yoga class, wrote a book as Richard Madeley's number one lookalike, pretended to be Steven Martin's gogo dancers, tried to pass myself off as London's only midget gigolo, wrote a book of pornographic short stories, drew 101 cartoons about why I hate Man United, wrote an Android shuffleboard game including the best version of Dutch shuffleboard on the market, built a Gag Machine for Windows)* but nothing comes quite as close to an unmitigated disaster as my election podcasts. I recorded eight in total and they've probably not had that number of listeners. Perhaps the majority of people are just completely shut off from politics. Perhaps they're just shut off to me, for whatever reason: my voice, my words, my thoughts, my attitude. The point is: I need to move on. Find something else to fill the blog.

I keep getting hits from an arts and crafts website, which makes me wonder if that's the route I should take. I have no idea how to do macramé but I think I should be talking about it, perhaps in the form of a 30 minute weekly podcast given a modern twist involving a beard I'll grow or possibly fashion using my developing macramé skills. Hipster Macramé? You might laugh (but more likely won't) but I think there's money in knotted string. I'll Kickstart it for ten grand and become the nation's macramé  uncle. I'd have five good years on ITV and then become involved in one highly publicised sex scandal involving a rubberised  Great Dane and a copy of Wisden. I'll have to appear on the Philip Schofield sofa and sob a little bit into his lilac scented lap but eventually the nation would forgive me and I'd go on to host a popular travel series on BBC1 in which I ride Claire Balding around the Baltic. Don't tell me you wouldn't watch that because I know damn well that it would be compulsive viewing.

By the way, if you were wondering... Yes, I'm in a slightly ticked off mood and you probably think: when is he ever not in a slightly ticked off mood? However, that's not always the case. Blogging usually puts me in a ticked off mood and my total inability to connect with the British people frustrates the hell out of me. It's why macramé is my passion or it will be once I can get the knot out of this piece of string I'll be fashioning this afternoon into a nut sling, a stylish cradle to suspend a few cashews or brazils over my desk and within easy reach. Some of you with filthier minds than mine will have imagined something different when I mentioned 'nut sling' but, there again, I don't connect with the current zeitgeist. However, that ends right now. This blog is either going to attack the shortage of serious macramé websites or it will join the back of the queue of websites offering free pornography and since I have more string in the shed that I have rutting Russians, macramé is the way to go.

It's a shame it's come to this. I thought my recent cartoons had been good but it feels like they're among the least popular that I've ever drawn. I'd hoped that colouring in my cartoons might have made them more popular but the reverse has been the case. I suspect if I went back to black and white and then completely omitted the black, they'd be even more popular. I tried that last night and here's my first attempt.

Oh, some people might say that it's a bit obscene but don't tell me that you've never fantasised about using a stick of licorice like that. Let me also point out how much skill was involved in drawing licorice with white ink.

However, I've digressed when I was intending on explaining the basics of macramé and I haven't even got to the stage of telling you about how much string you'll need in order to follow me as I work on our first project together: a macramé  Gillian Anderson, five foot two inches of sexy woven goodness, upper lip mole a cunningly deployed larks head knot sure to melt the heart.

However, we'll have to cover that in the next lesson. I've got into a slight tangle here and every time I cross my legs I manage to hoist the cat up the curtains.

Until anon, macramé fans.

* All things I actually did.


  1. I listened to all of your podcasts and I wonder if that means that I myself am irredeemably unpopular. I think you should steer away from rubberising a Great Dane even though it would do wonders for your traffic, start with something smaller, a Jack Russell or Michael Gove.

  2. Well, that's the problem with us unpopular folk. we can't help it if our urges lead me to great Danes and cricket. Hopefully the press won't pick up on the fact that I'd be dressed as Geoff Boycott and 'scoring' very very slowly.

    As for sexualising Michael Gove, you've given me an idea for a photoshop...