Tuesday, 5 May 2015

So long suckers!

Well, this is it. I've finally landed in the BIG TIME. Notice how I kept my caps lock on for those two words? That's because I'm officially now A PLAYER. Oh, I won't need to hang around with any of you losers now that I'm 'in the money'. And not a bit of money, either. I'm talking about $9.3 million in my account. I assume the tax man will want to come for a bit of that and I'll be sending out some little gifts to those of you who have supported me over the years with donations and/or comments. I'm not a greedy man. I'm happy to spread a bit of my good fortune with those of you who have proved yourself a cut above the norm. I figure £10,000 for each of you should make your week.* Oh, no need to say a word. It's a mere token of my gratitude. As for the rest of you: you won't see me for dust. And I'm talking gold dust.

In case you're wondering how I became so wealthy overnight, I'm sad to report that my relative Jay V Waywell has just died. I don't remember much about Jay, to be fair. I dimly recall having an distant uncle called Jay who used to walk with a limp after catching a grenade fragment in World War 2. He didn't fight in World War 2, of course. He just liked to play with explosives. Strange man. I believe he went on to invent disposable wear-once underpants. Once claimed to have worn a pair once for twenty two days before they began to rot. I knew he'd strike it rich one day but $9.3 million! That's a lot of wear-once underpants, especially if you wear a pair for twenty two days.

For the records, I learned the news from this email, which, I think you'll agree, looks legit. Oh, there's nothing about this that could raise suspicions and I say that as a man who has raised more than one suspicion in my time.

Dear Waywell,

Please do accept my apologies I do not wish to invade into your privacy, I had written an earlier mail to you but without response,In my first mail I mentioned to you about my late client Jay V Waywell,who bears the same surname with you,Since his death I have received several letters from his Bank where he made a deposit of $9.3MIllion before his death, the bank has asked me provide his next of kin or any of his relatives who can make claim to his funds or it will be confiscated by the bank,as i could not locate any of his relative hence i contacted you for this claim since you have the same surname with him. Upon your response I will give you the details and procedures of the transaction,waiting for your reply.. please reply to (sheky.martin123@gmail.com)

Sheky Martin.

* Payable only when the $9.3 million clears my account.

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