Friday, 28 June 2013

The Large Greasy Bucket Called Humanity

I’ve probably written one, two, ten or twenty posts like this one yet rarely publish any. They always sound like a moan when they’re actually an attempt to express sheer disbelief at the things I discover.

No matter how much effort I put into writing or drawing original and good (okay, that’s questionable) content for this blog, the hoped-for traffic rarely arrives. My illusion that intelligent people with good (hopefully warped) humour will find their way here is shattered when I look at my total of page views. It can be stuck for hours and then suddenly I’ll have a hit and I’m delighted until I realise that the visitor is looking for ‘pornography’ or ‘3D porn’ or ‘plywood sex’ (don’t ask!) or ‘leather fetish’ or ‘Clare Balding in the nude’.

The pageview number sticks again until another hit comes in. Somebody has just searched for ‘Daniel Radcliffe’s cock’.

Silence. Many minutes pass. Another hit: ‘long+neck+woman+sex’.

Half an hour later, another hit: ‘secretary t*ts out getting f****d you tube’. I’ve edited that one, not because I’m prudish but because I don’t want to become the internet’s number one go-to resource for that particular term. I once wrote a post where I complained about the local cycle route into Warrington being blocked at one point by taxi drivers taking prostitutes into the bushes. I’ve now become the top internet resource for people wanting to know if there are any prostitutes in Warrington town centre. Well, there aren’t. They’re all hiding in the bushes along the bloody cycle paths.

Okay, not all visitors are quite that bad (although the above examples are just from today) and my traffic is better than I’m suggesting. Thanks to seven of you I can at least say I have regular readers. People do also arrive here from Google looking for more intelligent things than ‘rubber sex truss’ (another gem from today). However, running a website really does give you a privileged view of human nature and what you see is routinely so depraved that, some days, it makes you wonder why we even bother.

As a species we’re clearly devolving and the process won’t stop until we’re just a large greasy bucket of primal sex juice labelled ‘humanity’.


  1. You mean there are six more like me????

  2. Thankfully, yes there are. Sadly, for every seven like you, there are about 10 people looking for 'Clare Balding in lingerie'. Of course, you might also be the person looking for 'Clare Balding in lingerie' but that would upset my maths.

  3. I wouldn't even know who she was...

    * searches for Clare Balding in lingerie *

    Aaaarrrgghh! My eyes! MY EYES! :(

  4. If you thought that was bad, you'll enjoy a blog post I have planned for today, tomorrow, or whenever I find the nerve to write it up.

  5. I must remember to write that post now I've made this promise. It will really put you off that popcorn.