[caption id="attachment_4491" align="alignright" width="268"] Superglued polar bears[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_4487" align="alignright" width="224"] Labrador pelt[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_4493" align="alignright" width="301"] Baby seal (unclubbed)[/caption]
If you're anything like me (and, if you are, then I feel sorry for you) then you won't be receiving many Christmas cards this year. I don't have a large circle of friends and those few friends I do have know that I'm an old fashioned God fearing atheist. Yet that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy sending cards. I'm one of those poor sods who actually makes his own cards which I send out and suspect people then think: bloody cheapskate, sending me this hand drawn cartoon when I wanted a mass produced Santa...
[caption id="attachment_4490" align="alignright" width="256"] The Edmonds Sphincter[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_4489" align="alignright" width="245"] Immigrant labour[/caption]
In previous years, I've adopted my Stan Madeley moustache and novelty sombrero to send cards to random celebrities. This year, however, I'm not sure what I'll do, and that's a special shame because a pile of cards have just landed on my doormat courtesy of the International Fund for Animal Welfare.
I'm not sure why the International Fund for Animal Welfare thought I might want some Christmas cards. I suspect it's their way of mocking my mild autism and low quota of friends. I'm even less sure why they think I might feel obliged to send them some money. It seems a rather presumptuous thing to do: send a person a product they've not asked for and then expect prompt payment for that product.
[caption id="attachment_4492" align="alignright" width="290"] Plastic robin[/caption]
I mentioned this to somebody this morning they thought it would only be right to stick the cards back into the prepaid envelope and return them to the International Fund for Animal Welfare. However, that seems like a lot of effort on my behalf when I didn't actually want the bloody things in the first place. It's like those bastards at Cleaneazy or those bigger bastards at Avon who stick catalogues through your letterbox and get shirty when you rip them up. 'But that was my property!' they protest. To which I reply: 'the moment you stuck it through my letterbox, it became my property. Now bugger off and don't do it again'.
[caption id="attachment_4488" align="alignright" width="197"] Elk hunter's sweater[/caption]
Have I mentioned that I find it hard to make friends?
So, sending the cards back would involve effort and the charity mob would surely just repackage the cards and then send them to another poor victim. I don't want to feed this cycle of unwanted Christmas card sending.
So I have a dilemma.
Or I had a dilemma until I came up with a solution.
[caption id="attachment_4485" align="alignright" width="315"] Dog sniffing its balls[/caption]
If you suspect that you're going to be depressing light on Christmas cards this year or if you'd just like another Christmas card to the hundreds you're bound to receive, then drop me an email. All I need is your name and address and you can leave the rest to me (stamp). I'll personally sign each card with a name that might not be my own and then, time and inspiration permitting, I might even scribble some kind of cartoon onto the front cover. Failing that, I'll simply deface the card in some darkly humorous way that amuses me but will ensure no Christian lingers long by your fireplace.
[caption id="attachment_4486" align="alignright" width="182"] Stuffed cat[/caption]
I only have ten cards so you might want to be quick if you want one of the more tasteful cards. If you want a particular card from the lousy selection on offer and displayed throughout this blog post, please indicate. The cards will be with you shortly or whenever I can get access to a post office or use a friend's franking machine when they're not looking.